Motherhood- it starts the moment you find out you are pregnant, and am told it never ends until you stop breathing.  Even when your children are ‘grown and gone’ you will still wonder and worry about them.

You lose your body during pregnancy (even though it is the most wonderful thing ever- to be growing a new human), and start down the lovely road of sleepless nights.  If you are pregnant, and someone says, “sleep now before the baby comes,” that is a dead give away that this person has never been pregnant.

During pregnancy you read and try to cram everything you can into your brain about pregnancy, babies, diet, health, labor, birth, breastfeeding, etc. into every spare minute you have.  You selfishly give up any and all remnants of a life that included eating what you wanted, drinking, and staying up late- all for the good of your unborn child.

Then comes the actual day this unborn baby is born, and again, it is the most wonderful and powerful thing, but for a lot of women it is also a lot of work, pain, and well, labor.  You surrender to your body, and let what ever needs to happen to get the baby out of you, happen.  If you were modest before childbirth, there is a great chance you won’t be after. Need I say more?

When your sweet baby is finally born, you have exactly 2 seconds to catch your breath, and then start worrying about your child.  Is he breathing OK? What is his weight?  Is he crying?  Why isn’t he crying? Is he crying too much?  Why won’t he stop crying?

“Food- ah that’s it!  My baby wants to eat- that will stop the crying,” you tell yourself as you try to nurse the baby for the first time.  If it is your first child, you think you know what you are doing, but in reality, you probably would have more confidence trying to climb up Mt. Everest in a blindfold- it just takes practice to perfect.   If it is a subsequent child you do know what you are doing, but must guide the baby until he gets the hang of nursing.

Then life with the babe starts, and you realize you didn’t know how good you had it while you were pregnant, and could at least shower and brush your teeth every day.  You probably have taken some time off from work, or even decided to stay-at-home with your baby, putting your career on hold, to raise your child(ren). 

You don’t regret that decision for a moment, but some days you wish you could go to an office for a few hours and talk to GROWN-UPS.  You wish you could have a business lunch, where you didn’t have to lug around a sippy cup, baby food, crackers, a diaper bag sports equipment duffel bag along, with all of baby’s toys, food, diapers, and gear.  You wish you could finish a train of  thought, or finish a conversation without having someone baby, babies, or toddler in the background crying, or screaming.  You wish you had a project where you could see immediate results and actually have someone thank you or tell you, you did a good job. 

If you get two or three hours of sleep continually through the first year, count yourself lucky.  If not, you can join the ranks of those of us who sit up at night, after night, after night, with our babies, who won’t or can’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time.  You think back to PBL (pre-baby-life) that a bad night was when you didn’t get EIGHT uninterrupted hours of sleep.  Yes, you could get through the day on six or seven, on a rare occasion, but anything less than eight, forget it- you were a walking zombie.  As you sit in the dark, staring at a wall, now knowing what a walking zombie REALLY is (it is what you have become), you tell yourself it won’t be like this forever- it will be easier when the child(ren) are older, and it will all be worth it one day. 

My day arrived this morning, when my sweet, charming, adorable, 3 year old son woke up, and discovered his daddy had already left work.  He started to cry, and I held out my sleep-deprived arms for him and said,

“It’s okay, sweetie- mama’s here.  Come give me a hug.” 

To which he actually gave me a look like a scowl and ever-so-firmly said,        

“You need to go to work, and Dad needs to stay home with me.”        

I replied,

“My work is to stay at home, and take care of you and your brother.” 

To which he said,

“NO- you need a job, and Dad needs to stay home with us.”

Yes, hearing that makes it all worth while. 

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Joe and I have been wondering this lately- not sure what is happening to us, but we have both been having aches and pains, and feeling old.

We are both recovering from car accidents, so maybe that is contributing to some of the aches, but I don’t think it can explain why my feet and legs hurt in the morning when I wake up.

I couldn’t deny it anymore that something had changed, two weeks ago as I actually had to ask the clerk in Target, where the Ben Gay was.  YIKES!!  I felt like an 80 year old!  I have seemed to developed a case of tendinitis in my left elbow, I think mainly from having to have Cole sleep on my arm for the last year.  Now that he is sleeping in his crib for most of the night, it is slowly going away, but some days it just starts hurting, and I notice it now every time I lift something, somewhat heavy, like a gallon of milk, or one of my sons- there is a dull ache.  I now could carry on a conversation with a senior citizen about my trick elbow.

My dear hubby, is a corporate trainer, and he is realizing in his classes, he is teaching employees that in theory, are young enough to be his children.  The other day, a group from his class asked him to go to lunch with them.  They insisted he come, and said they would drive.  As they were driving in a trendy, young, hip, VW Bug, one of the girls in the group started talking about the radio in the VW and the driver said she actually could have gotten an 8-track player in it.  One of the other people in the group turned to Joe and asked him, “You remember 8-tracks don’t you?” 

Joe doesn’t remember 8-tracks, and told them so, but didn’t think they believed him.  Then the group started asking everyone how old everyone one, so Joe heard, “21,” “22,” and “23.”  No wonder they thought he remembered 8-tracks.

Finally, a more somber event:  Joe heard yesterday that a former co-worker that we both actually worked with several years ago, died from a heart-attack on Sunday.  Evidently, he was water skiing, felt dizzy, and went to rest under a tree.  When someone from his group checked on him, he was passed out, and they were unable to revive him.  He died from a heart attack.

After Joe told me this, I dug out a paper and realized that I had seen this person’s name in the obituary section of the paper, but it didn’t register at the time.  I read the obituary, and was startled to learn this man was only 37!  He left behind a wife and two young children, around the same ages of our boys.  He was only a few years older than me, and only a few years younger than Joe.  He was just a month older than my older brother!  I feel very bad and sad for his family. 

This prompted us to realize life can be gone in a moment, and our aches and pains are nothing compared to what some people have to deal with every day, or what this poor man’s family has to go through now. 

At least we are alive to get older, and to feel our aches and pains.  

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I have a subscription to Cooking Light, which I love.  It seems when I am at a loss for what to cook, I get my new issue, and there is always something new to try. 

On Friday night, I tried Grilled Chicken and Tapenade Sandwiches, and they turned out great!  I omitted the black olives, because I don’t like them.  It was really quick- only about 10 minutes prep.  The chicken took longer to grill- about 20 minutes, but we were grilling 2 pounds, and we had enough for left-overs.  We will definately be having these for dinner again.  Here is a picture of the finished product:

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We finally splurged about a month ago and got a new phone.  Our old phone was awful, with lots of interference, static, and the worse part, it would make this terrible high pitched scream almost every time we used it, and the person on the other end could hear it too.  No wonder no one ever called us! 
We got a new GE 6.0 DECT Cordless Handset Speakerphone, with digital wireless technology that has no interference and I LOVE it.  You can customize the rings as well, so I know ahead of time who is calling by the song the phone plays- I don’t even have to look at caller ID.  One of the best features is the speaker, which I use almost all the time now.  I can set the phone on the counter, and go about what I was doing, and still have my hands free.  No more crimped up neck.

Ryan has taken an interest in the speaker as well.  Now when we call Grandma, and she isn’t home, he can hear their voice-mail recording which goes something like this:

“Hello, you have reached B. & L.’s house.  We can’t take your call right now, but leave your message and we’ll call you back.”

The other day, I was upstairs putting laundry away, and I could hear him ‘talking’ on his play phone using Grandma’s voice-mail recording, but customizing it for himself- examples of what he was saying:

“I can’t take your call but I’ll call me back after my nap.”

“This is Ryan’s house.  I can’t take your call right now, so I’ll leave a message.”

“This is Ryan- I can’t take your call at your house, so I’ll leave a message.”

“Hi, Grandma, this is L.’s (grandpa’s name), I’m working right now, call me after my two hour nap.”

“I can’t take your call right now, but I’m at work.”

“This is my grandparent’s house.”

“Oh hi, I pressed the wrong button, sorry.”

“Hi, this is Ryan’s house.  I’m not home.  I’m right by my phone.”

He just kept coming up with these right after another.  I had a hard time trying not to laugh, because they were just so cute, and yes, I stood at the top of the stairs writing these down on the back of a receipt, because there is no way I would have remembered all of them.

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Today I am under the weather with a stomach bug, and I told Ryan this morning, I needed him to be extra good today, because mama was sick.

He was just perfect, which was so nice.  He played with Cole almost all day, with no hitting, biting, pushing, or other tactics usually employed to make Cole cry.

As I was struggling through, trying to make them lunch, Ryan was playing patty-cake with Cole, who was just adoring the attention his big brother was giving him.  After they were done playing, Ryan said, “Mama, Coley is my best friend,” as he gave him a sweet little hug.  Cole’s eyes lit up, and he was all smiles.

It doesn’t get much better than that, but when my dad stopped by for a short visit this afternoon, he told him as well, that Coley is his best friend.

Motherhood sure has a way of surprising you- I guess after a year of telling Ryan not to hurt his brother, and constantly hearing, “Mom, Cole has my toys,- you need to take Cole away,” something has clicked, and now this little baby, who had upset Ryan’s world so much, is now his “best friend.” 

Even though I am sick and it has been a hard day, just these few little words, has made it one of the best days.

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My baby is one year old today!  Yesterday and on Sunday, I was kind of sentimental, because if I went by actual days, Cole was born on Monday, and that Sunday I was in labor.  I kept looking at the clock thinking, ‘last year right now, I was in Ryan’s room, lying on the floor, breathing through the contractions’, or ‘this time last year, we were on the way to the hospital.’

Cole was born at 9:43 PM after 41 hours of labor (whew).  He weighed 7lbs, 5 oz. and was 19 inches long.  I was ecstatic I was able to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) birth with him.  Labor was the most intense thing I have ever done, but also the greatest.  I can honestly say, I have never felt more accomplished and fulfilled then those first few minutes after Cole had been born, and I realized I had done it- I had given birth to him!  

I have truly loved every day I have had with Cole, despite some very challenging times, during the past year.  We are SO lucky to have such a healthy, happy, and lovable baby boy.  As Cole continues to grow, I know my love for him will continue to grow as well, and I am excited to see what the future holds for him. 

We went grocery shopping today, and Ryan and Cole were riding in the double cart together, and they usually fight- each trying to get each other’s steering wheel.  But today, Ryan reached over, out of the blue, and put his arm around Cole.  Cole responded by leaning his head on Ryan’s shoulder, and they just sat that way for a good two minutes.  I had tears in my eyes, and wished I had a camera.  It is so neat to see not only my boys growing, but also seeing their relationship as brothers developing. 

It seems like it really has been a year most of the time, and then at times, it seems like I just came home from the hospital with Cole.  Ryan still talks about my ‘tummy being big when Coley lived in there’, so I think he still remembers too. 

We are going to go over to Joe’s parent’s house on Wednesday night to have another cake, and then one of my friends and I are planning a little one year birthday celebration for Cole and her son, who was born just 8 days after Cole, sometime in June.  So Cole’s milestone of turning one, will be well documented. 

I have to include some pictures of one of the best days of my life- the day we got to meet Cole:

 This was taken the day before I went into labor (May 20, 2006- I was 39 weeks and 2 days preggo with Cole).

 Cole’s first picture- seconds after he was born.

 Nursing for the first time, just minutes after he was born.

 Ryan meeting his little brother for the first time, about 12 hours after he was born.  (Ryan looks a little freaked out, doesn’t he?  :-)  )

 Mama and Cole, resting in the hospital.

 Cole, about 48 hours old.

Happy First Birthday, Cole!  I love you with all my heart!

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My dad and his wife, J. (technically my step-mom, but I don’t think of her as that, since they got married after I was already on my own), have a beautiful back-yard, and are very gracious and generous about hosting parties, BBQ’s, family dinners, engagement parties, baby showers, baby welcoming parties, and so on. 

Yesterday they hosted the first BBQ of the summer for our family, which included my siblings, cousins, uncle, step-sister, and her husband.  We had a lot of fun, and the weather was perfect.  Their yard faces west, so sometimes when the sun is shining, it can get really hot, but yesterday there were clouds all afternoon and evening. 

Ryan and Cole did great- Ryan was so busy running around and playing ball, frisbee and soccer, with his uncle and second cousins, that he barely even ate.  He developed a “crush” on my cousin, E., who just turned 12.  He was at her side all night, holding her hand, and basically looking at her with puppy dog eyes.  Cole did very well too.  He is comfortable with my dad, so he let him hold him for a while, and they played.  Joe held Cole too, and he also sat in the grass and entertained himself with rocks in J.’s garden.  This was the first bigger family event since Cole has been born, where if I didn’t hold him the entire time, he cried.  So that was a nice change!  

Even though this was a BBQ, I brought along a cake for Cole, so we could have an informal celebration of his first birthday that will be this week. 

It was a chocolate Oreo Cookie cake.  I cut a slice for him, and he was a little hesitant to eat it, but once he got started, there was no stopping him.  He wasn’t content with just eating the cake that was in his bowl, he had to reach out, and start scooping hand-fulls of cake from the entire cake.  He did his first cake proud. 

Unfortunately, our camera ran out of memory, but we got some shots of him covered in cake, and icing, on my sister’s camera, and I’ll post them as soon as I get them from her. Joe taped him on our camcorder though, so I am glad we’ll have that to look back on.    However, here are some other pictures of the BBQ. 

 Cole enjoying his dinner

 Having fun playing with his foot

 Me, with my darling boys
 The B-Day Boy, checking out his cake (in the background, you can see my step-mom holding Maelin)

We all had a wonderful time, and a big thank you to my dad, J., and my sister for organizing the whole thing.  Can’t wait for the next bash.

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 I ended up going back to the consignment sale on Monday for the last day, where almost everything was 50% off.  (If a seller didn’t want to reduce the price, they marked the tag with a star, and then you knew the item wasn’t reduced.)

I got a few more shirts for Ryan, and a couple more rompers for Cole which ended up being $1 each- can’t beat that.  I also found a little Baby Bjorn Potty for Cole that I had been wanting to get for him, for some time.  I am hoping I can start potty training earlier with him, and these little potty’s are supposed to be pretty good.  He has already started sitting on it.  When I was checking out, an older lady saw it and said, “Oh, what a cute fire man hat.”  It was upside down at the time, and kind of looked like one.  I smiled to myself, and then her grown daughter said, “No mom- that’s not a hat- it’s a potty seat.”  We all started laughing- it was pretty cute.

I think it is funny how excited I am on finding a good deal on boy’s shirts, shorts, and underwear.  I remember the days, when I used to get that excited on finding something for me!

I got a few rompers for my neice as well.  My sister said she didn’t have very many and now that it is getting hotter, she really wished she had a few more.  They have been putting her in dresses, but they creep up, so the rompers are nice.  I ended up getting 7 really cute ones- for $8!

Finally, as I was leaving, Cole needed to nurse, so I went back to the corner of the building where my sister nursed Maelin the other day.  There was a table and chairs back there, and I noticed there was a little chair and ottoman from IKEA.  I LOVE IKEA, and wished we had one in our state.  My other sister has one near her, and we always go there and find great stuff when I visit.  Anyway, this chair was there the other day, and Ryan wanted it then.  He looked so cute sitting on it, and he does need a new chair for himself. 

It was pretty dirty and kind of beat up, and after seeing how Ryan climbed around on it, I can only imagine how many other kids had been jumping around on it all weekend.  BUT, it was 50% off, and I looked and saw that the covers could be taken off and washed, and I know IKEA makes good, quality furniture so I was sold. 

When the covers were in the wash, I cleaned up the wood, removed the crayon marks, and polished it.  I was happy with how it turned out, and the best part is Ryan just LOVES it.  He is having a ball sitting on his “grown up chair,” and even wanted to take his nap on it. He grabbed one of Joe’s woodworking magazines yesterday, after I put the cover back on, and he got to sit in if for the first time.  Of course, here are some pictures:

The chair ended up being $15, and I think it has already paid for itself.  Ryan says, “I’m a hard working man,” before he flops down in it now to relax and read his magazine.  :-) 

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While writing my post yesterday, about my Mother’s Day, I realized that I had actually gotten about 7 hours of sleep the night before, with Ryan spending the night at my dad’s, and Joe getting up with Cole, and then sleeping in.  It wasn’t uninterrupted, mind you- but I’ll take what I can get.

It was the most I have slept since before Ryan was born, and wondered what special sleep fairy was smiling on me, in that I was able to sleep for so long yesterday.

Last night, as I was going to bed, shortly before midnight- Ryan woke up.  He has been sleeping through the nights really well now, for about 2 months.  He was crying, whining, and restless.  Nothing was wrong with him, other than he couldn’t sleep.  I tried everything, and nothing was working.  I let him lay on the couch, and around 2am, he *finally* fell asleep.

Then I heard the noise that I am coming to dread- one that makes me feel like I have drank 6 cups of coffee and shoots adrenaline into my system- Cole crying.

Ever since day one with him, whenever he cries, it has that reaction on me.  I have gotten to where I have such a hard time falling asleep, because I *know* just when I get in that deep, restful, REM sleep, his crying will jolt me out of it.  Quite frankly, it is easier for me to stay up and wait for it, than it is to sleep and then try to groggily wake up and deal with Cole. 

A while ago my friend, Amy, put a challenge on her blog for venturing out of our “blog safety zone”, and putting yourself ‘out there.’  At the time, I didn’t really have anything that I was inspired to write, but as I was trying to get Cole back to sleep last night, inspiration hit me, so to speak.

I love Cole dearly, but sometimes I am just exhausted, overwhelmed, and simply at a loss on what to do for him.  Nothing ever works the same way for him two nights in a row.  Some nights when he wakes up, he wants to nurse, and then go back to sleep.  Then the next night, he wants his back patted, then the next night he won’t settle down unless he gets a snack, and then the next night he’ll sleep for 6 hours straight, and so on. 

I have lost count how many nights at 3am I am up with him crying, because I don’t understand why he won’t sleep, and why I can’t seem to solve this problem with him. I know it has taken a toll on myself and in those very, very, dark moments, I wish sometimes that he would just go away. 

Before having Cole, I could never understand why some people were led to shake a baby, but after Cole I totally understand it.  When hour after hour goes by and *nothing* will get the baby quiet, I can understand how someone could “lose it,” or make a bad split second decision.  I am ashamed to say that I have been on the brink of wanting to shake Cole to get him to be quiet, but never crossed that line.  I tell myself it will be OK in the morning and that gets me through the night.

Last night after  Cole woke up at 2 am, and after trying to nurse him, and sleep with him, he was restless, squirmy, and just not going to sleep.  I finally got up with him at 5am, when Joe’s alarm went off.  I fed him some breakfast, and stayed up with him until 6:30, until he seemed tired enough to fall back asleep.  He finally did, and then I fell asleep until 7:30 when Ryan woke up.  I realized that I got up at 10:30 yesterday, and didn’t get to sleep until 6:30 this morning- I was up for 20 hours, and got one hour of sleep.

 I should be dead on my feet- I should be exhausted.  But no, I hopped out of bed like I had just slept 10 hours, got the boys dressed, made breakfast, did a load of laundry, dropped Ryan off at Joe’s parent’s house, went grocery shopping, did errands, went to Target (where Cole had a complete, screaming, ear shattering melt-down), which didn’t even phase me, made Cole lunch, put the groceries away, did more laundry, dozed with Cole for an hour, and then vacuumed and cleaned up the house.  After dinner, I went on an hour walk, and I am STILL not tired.

I don’t know what has happened to me, it is like I am losing my need or ability to sleep.  Even if I went to sleep now, I know Cole will be waking up, but don’t know when.  It could be in 10 minutes or two hours.  Do I risk going to sleep, only to be jolted awake, or just stay up?  It seems like I have less patience with him, when I have been sleeping and he wakes me up, than if I am already awake. 

The funny thing is I don’t even really care anymore.  I have just resigned myself to the fact that this is how it is going to be for awhile with Cole.  On a good night, I get 4 hours of sleep, and on a bad night, one hour.  I just have to laugh at the days before kids, when if I didn’t have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I was a zombie.  I didn’t know how good I had it back then.

I know it won’t always be like this, but it is so hard to go through this night, after night, and then try to be productive during the day.  I fear by the time Cole does grow out of this, my body will be so messed up from not sleeping, I am just going to have a permanent case of insomnia. 

I wrote yesterday how much I loved being a mom, and I do.  But it is also hard, thankless, and drop-dead tiring.  Some times I hate it and wonder what is going to get me through the night?  Sometimes I wonder will I get through the night?  Will I ever sleep again?  How can a little baby, whom I love so much, frustrate me to the extreme level that he does? 

No one ever told me being a mother was easy, and I don’t expect it to.  After getting a little break for one day though, and getting some rest, I wonder why I can’t catch these little breaks more often?  Maybe it is the bad times that make you appreciate the good.

Cole just started crying, so I’m off.  Maybe I’ll get one of those breaks, and he’ll go back to sleep fairly quickly tonight. 

  ****************************************************

 TUESDAY

I wrote this last night (Monday) and didn’t have a chance to post it as Cole started to cry.  No breaks last night- it was another terrible night.  Cole screamed, and screamed and would not be consoled-again.  That woke up Ryan and Joe.  I absolutely could do nothing to calm him, so finally at 2 am Joe, Ryan, and I hung out in Ryan’s room, and let Cole cry it out.  Yes, I said, cry it out.  I normally don’t believe in it, and even wrote a post about about not doing it, a while ago.

Nothing we were doing for Cole was working.  It almost seemed like he needed to cry, and work it out.  It was so hard listening to him cry, but in the state we were in, it was the only thing left to do.  As I sat on the floor, next to Ryan’s bed, I thought about how many times I cry and I do feel better after it.  I also thought about what I had just written, and how close I have gotten to ‘losing’ it with Cole, and realized he was safe in his crib, and this is what we needed to do to get through the night.

Cole will be one year old in a week, and it seems like his sleep problems are getting worse, not better.  I think he does understand that when we leave, we do come back, and there was a night light in our room, so in the end, I feel like one night of crying it out, isn’t going to do permanent damage to him.

Is it a tool I want to use every night?  No.  Did it work last night? Yes.  After 30 minutes, he fell asleep and stayed asleep until 6, when he wanted to nurse.  He immediately fell asleep in my arms, and when he woke up at 7:30 to get up, he gave me a big smile and he was in a really good mood today.

One mantra that I tell myself as a mother is “never say never.”  That seems to be my one consistant I can count on- whenever I think or decide a certain course I want to take with my children, it doesn’t always work out that way.  In the long run, the only thing that is consistant is change. 

Crying it out wouldn’t have worked for Cole when he was a newborn, or even a few months ago, but in order to be a good mother for him and for me, I have to consider the possibility that at times, maybe he just needs to cry, and work out whatever it is for himself, during those times that nothing *we* do works for him. 

Sometimes I want to be left alone, not be touched, and have a good cry  Is it totally unreasonable to think that my baby would never want those things either?  I have thought not- all these months I have concluded that he wants to be held all the time, and wants to be close to me, etc.  What if all this time he just wanted and needed his own space?

The only thing that is clear to me, is that I just don’t know. I don’t know if this was just a one-night fix, or not.  All I can do is keep trying the best I can, and follow Cole’s cues.  I like what my sister told me a few days ago, regarding something else, when I felt like I was a ‘bad’ mom, for not having shot enough video of Cole’s first year.  She said, “that doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you a normal mom.”  For now, normal is good.

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I had a terrific Mother’s Day Weekend. Yesterday, (Saturday), Joe got up with Ryan and Cole, and made waffles with them.  I got to sleep in for about an extra half hour.

After the boys woke up from their afternoon nap, we headed down to my dad’s house, for Ryan’s big sleep over.  We nearly avoided ANOTHER car accident- one block away from our house, a teen-aged boy dashed out in front of the car on his bike, obviously trying to ‘beat’ the car across in the middle of the street.  Joe hit the breaks, and started again, when another kid, out of no where started to do the same thing.  Joe instantly slammed the breaks on, and the kid on the bike did the same thing, stopping about 1 foot from the car. 

Joe and I were both so mad, we just glared at the kid.  He said, “sorry” and then muttered something like he was going to stop.  I wanted to ask, “when, when you crashed into the hood of the car?”  He was doing something so stupid, and was lucky he didn’t get hit.  The sudden, hard, breaking scared Ryan and he started crying, and screaming.  We had to calm him down, and after a few minutes we were on our way again.

We made it to my dad’s with no more excitement (thank goodness).  We got the boys settled with some dinner, and then Joe and I were off to dinner.  Cole started to cry, and I felt bad leaving him, but we figured he would start to eat his dinner, and stop crying after a few minutes.

We ate at a grill in a neighborhood, about 10 minutes away from my dad’s house.  It was a really nice atmosphere- not too loud, or too quiet.  I ordered blackened flank steak salad, with blue cheese crumbles and blue cheese dressing, and a fuzzy navel.  Joe ordered mushroom beef stroganoff, and a beer. 

We had a great time, just enjoying each other’s company and some uninterrupted conversation.   We ordered a slice of fudge chocolate cake to go for dessert.  We ended up staying about an hour and a half, and figured we had better get back; we both had a feeling that Cole would be crying.

We arrived back at my dad’s to find Ryan eating a s’more that they made in the back yard fireplace, and as expected, Cole crying.  Dad said he pretty much cried the entire time.  Cole saw me, sniffled, I nursed him, and after about 5 minutes, he popped off, smiling, and ready to play- the little munchkin.

My dad’s wife had pretty much been entertaining Ryan, since Dad had been trying to calm Cole, and Ryan was playing Thomas trains, and watching a Thomas video.  Dad blew up an air mattress for Ryan to sleep on, and then he and Cole jumped on it for about 20 minutes, until it was time for us to go.

Ryan barely kissed me goodbye- he was so anxious for us to leave.  He told me if I missed my big boy, (refering to himself) then I could hug Coley. 

Cole fell asleep five minutes into the ride home, and about half way home, I got this very strong urge to hug Ryan.  I realized this was the farthest he had ever been away from me, and I him, and I had to fight back tears.  I knew he was safe, but it still hurt knowing I couldn’t be near him.

When we got home, I changed a very tired and half-asleep Cole into his pj’s, and he nursed for a few minutes, and then went right back to sleep in his crib.  I guess all that crying, wore him out.

Then Joe and I watched TV, while he gave me a foot and calf massage (ahh…)

This morning, Joe and Cole got up around 8, when Cole woke up, and Joe left me to sleep in again.  When they came back and woke me up, it was 9, and Cole wanted to nurse.  The next time I woke up, it was 10, and then I dozed off again, until 10:30!  I have not slept in that late since before Ryan was born.  I guess after 3 1/2 years, a girl is entitled to sleep that late. 
I laid a sleeping Cole down next to a sleeping Joe, and got up, made some coffee and called my Dad.  He said Ryan did fine- they all went to bed about 10:30, and they all woke up at 8, and Ryan had slept like a rock.  I talked to Ryan for a few minutes on the phone, and he told me Grandpa had made him waffles this morning.  Ryan sounded so different and grown-up on the phone.  It made me realize he really is a little boy now, getting bigger every day.  My dad said he’d bring Ryan home after lunch.

A few minutes later, Joe and Cole came down stairs, and we ate a light breakfast.  Cole played and hung out with Dad, and he seemed like a different baby.  He was so content, and wasn’t crying for me every few minutes, like he normally does.  I am not sure why- maybe he liked the one-on-one attention he was getting from us, or maybe he could actually focus on something longer than a few seconds, before Ryan usually comes over to him, to see what he is doing. It made us wonder if maybe Cole isn’t getting enough attention from us, so I am going to try to start devoting 10 or 15 minutes in the morning to some exclusive time with him.

Joe hung up my information board, and I got our schedules written down for the week.  After I got Cole down for his nap, I got the rest of the flowers planted for our front yard, and then my darling boy was home.

He came and hugged me for a minute, and then wanted to go ride his scooter.  He told me again, Grandpa made him waffles in the toaster.  After Grandpa left, Dad and Ryan cleaned out the garage, and did some yard work, and I got to dink around on the computer, and organize some of my pictures.

When Cole woke up, we went and got some dinner at a noodle place.  We took a little drive to the country, and then came home, gave the boys a bath, and put them to bed.  As I was nursing Cole to sleep, Ryan came in and hugged me, and whispered, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.”  It was so sweet, and I felt very appreciated and loved by my family. 

I can’t believe that four Mother’s Day’s have passed already.  Here are a few pictures from my first three:

            My very first Mother’s Day- 2004 (Ryan was 4 months)

             Mother’s Day-2005 (Ryan was 16 months)

               Mother’s Day-2006 (Ryan was 28 months, and I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Cole)

I hope all the mother’s out there had a wonderful day.  We work so hard all year, it is nice to have our special day. 

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