I have heard the above phrase so many times, since having my second son, two years ago. It seems like whenever I meet anyone, naturally, one of the questions that comes up, is if we have kids, (yes), and then, their ages (4.5 & 2 years), and then what gender they are (both boys). Then comes the, “Oh, you have all boys.”
Sometimes it is said with a hint of surprise on the “Oh,” as if I am fibbing and I couldn’t possibly have two boys. But more often than not, the “Oh,” is usually said in a low tone, with a pause before continuing on. I can’t really tell if this is meant as sympathy, or disappointment, or a combination of both. I’m not sure why people who question me on this in the first place, can’t just say something like, “congratulations,” or “how nice,” and have to make an unenthusiastic statement about having all boys as my children.
Not to compare, but I have yet to hear anyone tell a mother of all girls, “Oh, you have all girls,” in the sympathy/disappointment tone, reserved for the mothers of all boys. (I’m not saying this never happens, just that I haven’t heard it happen). When I have heard mothers say they have all girls, or even one boy and one girl, the response is excitement and happiness. Somewhere along they way, people have decided that having all boys is a gloomy and subdued situation to be in.
As the boys get older, it seems like more and more people point out to me, that I have two boys. Complete strangers feel OK with coming up and telling me, “Oh, you have all boys,” in that tone- uh, yes I do, thanks for the newsflash.
I understand that most people probably would like the experience of having both boys and girls as children, but when this isn’t the case, why does having all boys become a negative thing?
Of course I am partial, but I adore my two boys. They are brothers, and will always have each other in life, no matter what. My brother wished his entire life that he had a brother. I think he still does, and he is almost 40. He instead, grew up with three sisters. I remember people telling my mom that it was too bad one of us girls wasn’t a boy, so my brother would have another boy to play with.
So I guess two or more boys aren’t always thought of as negative, but only if there are girls in the mix, and as long as there isn’t only one boy in a family with all sisters. It just strikes me as a very odd trait in our society that people make comments like this, when there is no control over it. Having a baby isn’t like ordering a pizza. You don’t pick up the phone and call God, or the Stork, or the Baby Fairy and say, “Hi there, I’d like to order a large-no make that a medium sized baby- I get three features? Okay, then make it a girl, with green eyes, and brown curly hair.”
I don’t understand why people comment on the gender of your children, and in my case, it is far more negative comments than positive ones. Having two boys is a blessing. Having any child is. We are so fortunate that we have two healthy, happy, smart, funny, and loving children that happen to be boys.
Usually the comments don’t bother me, but I wonder in this day and age, when we can embrace so many differences, people still feel a need to make underhanded comments about the gender of children? Being a mother of two boys or all boys is a challenge. But so is being a mother to all girls, or the mother to boys and girls. It is just a different set of challenges.
Being a parent is hard- but it can be even harder when you receive negative innuendos about your children’s gender. Maybe just hearing these over and over again, has worn me down. Maybe I should have a tougher skin. So I am curious if other parents have also experienced negative comments about their chidren’s gender?
Subscribe to A Mama’s Blog's RSS feed so you never miss a post!
Auntie Mara says:
I know that Kevin’s two cousins who both have ALL girls have heard commments too about that. They’ve had strangers come up to them and tell them that they’re sorry they don’t have a boy because the husband doesn’t get to “pass his name along”.
I think the “ideal family” in our society is a boy and a girl and it’s what we all want. (preferably the boy first)
It’s interesting because once you are in the situation of NOT being able to “order” your kids from the Baby Fairy, you find yourself wanting what’s best for your family and kids. I never thought I’d want 2 girls and no boys but I’m finding that’s what I want for our family situation: I’d love for Maelin to have a sister, we already have all the girl stuff and we’re comfortable with girls.
If that happens, I’m sure comments will fly our way so don’t think you’re unique to it…Kevin’s cousins are sick of having to justify that they love girls and it’s fine with them!
Oh, one more thing…I’m sick of how our society feels the need to comment to complete strangers about EVERYTHING. Case in point: when I was pregnant, someone I barely knew at work came up to me and said, “Oh Mara, you’re pregnant! I thought your butt was just getting really big!”
Shocking, I know but some seem to feel it’s their right to comment on your personal life. Where did those manners Mother taught us all go?
June 24th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Nicole says:
You know I know exactly that tone you speak of
I too find it really irritating that people feel I need sympathy for something as amazing as all boys.
Like Mara said I do think people feel that one of each is ideal. My MIL used to tell us that the “perfect” family was a little girl with an older brother to “protect” her. T used to hope that S was a girl, just to irritate his mother.
I also think that our society values girls more. We view them as more fun, having more personality, deeper emotions. We think of boys/men as boring and not that interesting. Interestingly my ILs are way, way closer to my niece. Part of it is that she’s their *daughter’s* child and their son does NOT have a good relationship w/ them (oh, and MIL has DIL issues
) but it’s also that they find their GD more interesting and fun than their GSs. Like MIL just can’t relate to my kids. Sad!
That said, BIL’s brother has 3 girls and he gets a ton of grief about it. Especially bc that family is intensely into sports so 3 girls is seen as a failure bc girls are so much “weaker.”
June 24th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Mamasphere says:
A nice, “Isn’t it wonderful!” or, “Yes, they are such a blessing!” should put the rude ninnies in their place. I’m just astounded at the things people think it’s okay to say.
June 24th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Jane - Pinks & Blues says:
My sister just had her 4th boy, so you can just imagine what she hears! When she was pregnant and told someone she was having another boy, the go-to response was, “Will you try again for a girl?” and not “Congratulations, that’s wonderful!” People just don’t get it. Makes me mad!
Jane
June 24th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Tracy B says:
I often wondered if I took “those kinds” comments to personal but it is hard not to when it is directed towards your child/children. Since I have one girl, the comments from my husbands side of the family is that I need to have another one so that we can carry on the family name. So they want me to have another baby for the sole purpose of carrying on a family name…..okay, I’ll get right on it.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
M A says:
I got this comment just today. I took 3 of my boys to the pool for lessons. A grandmotherly type came up to me and wanted to verify that I the three boys (dressed alike) were all mine. To commiserate or gloat or something. I stopped her by telling her that these were only 3 of my 6 children, and my daughter was off at college. They always nod when they hear that like it is SUCH a relief. G-d forbid I should have 5 boys with no girl. I am insulted on behalf of my boys all the time. So I really *do* hear ya on this one. (((hugs)))
I wonder if men get similar “sympathy” for having all girls?
June 24th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Melisa says:
I have “all boys” too, and when I get that comment I normally respond with something about how that officially makes me Queen of the house, and then, if the person who made that comment has girls and I am feeling particularly cantankerous, I would say something about how I’m relieved to not have to deal with a daughter in the puberty years. (Is that mean?)
June 24th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Kim @ Up North Mommy says:
Actually, I think it’s pretty cool to have all boys because they’re so much easier to read. With boys, what you see is what you get. With girls, however, there’s so much drama and emotion. And my girl is only 3!
And for the record, I have a boy, a girl, and a boy, in that order.
June 24th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Catherine says:
No matter what “grouping” God has blessed us with, there will be rude people to comment on it! My husband had two boys and thought we were “done”, then during my third (surprise)! pregnancy all I heard from other people was “I hope it’s a girl this time” and “oh, you’re trying for a girl?” – so much that I found myself telling everyone that I was hoping to have another boy (even though the truth was I didn’t care which sex, I was just looking forward to another wonderful child to add to our family)! And when she was born, I was thrilled to have that wonderful child in my arms – and that was all that mattered (and still is)!
June 24th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
anymommy says:
Yes, definitely. I know the tone. I hate the will you try for a boy/girl comment! And, then, we adopted girl (we have bio boys) and my new least favorite is ‘oh, you decided to adopt to get a girl.’ Um, no. We decided to adopt a CHILD!!!!
June 25th, 2008 at 10:29 am
natalie says:
i have both girls and boys, but i can’t imagine anyone saying something like that. seems insane. like a mother would love girls more or whatever. crazy!
June 25th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Candiandsons says:
I also have two boys 3 1/2 and 15 mos. One woman, at church mind you, told me my oldest son was “too pretty to be a boy…” WTH does that mean???
I’m excited to have two boys.
“Oh, you’re gonna have your hands full…” Like I don’t know that already??
BTW I have a co-worker and he has 3 girls and he does get those sympathy comments.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
A Mama's Blog says:
Thanks for your comments everyone. While I can’t say it is great to hear other people get these comments too- for both genders- I’m glad to hear that this isn’t an isolated problem just for me.
On that note, I couldn’t agree more that this is so rude, and where are people’s manners? I think that adage is appropriate here- ‘If you can’t say something nice…’
June 26th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Chubby Mom says:
I have four boys, so I definitely know that tone. I get tired of everyone asking me if I’m disappointed that none of them are girls. Disappointed! Um no…I just feel very lucky to have the kids I do, thankyouverymuch.
I just tell people that I have the best of all worlds…when I want to sit down and watch the football game, I’ll have company. When I’d rather go shoe shopping, I won’t have to listen to anyone whining that I’m trying on ANOTHER pair.
June 27th, 2008 at 6:59 am
ramblin' red says:
Seems like you catch this statement of the obvious on either side. I have a daughter and then a son, and people inevitably go, “Oh you have one of each!?!”
Nope, my daughter was actually born with a p*nis but she had a horrific circumcision accident and thus we’re raising her as a girl. Here’s your sign…
Sheesh people – come up with something a little more brilliant to say, right?
June 27th, 2008 at 11:57 am
jen says:
I have two boys and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten the “oh, you have two boys…” What I get is “wow. you really have your hands full.” Uh…ya think? What tipped you off? The wet willies while in the cart or the non-stop wedgies?
At least people have stopped asking if we’re going to try for a girl.
June 27th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Brunette says:
I get the same remarks, but with two children of the opposite sex. Constantly saying, “Yes, I have one of each.” Either I get, “You’re lucky.” What? That leads me to believe someone is not happy with the children they have. Or I can get sometimes, “couldn’t it be easier with two of the same sex?” I have just learned to smile, say that I love my kids and move on.
June 29th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Amanda says:
My sister has 3 boys (13 years old and 11 year old twins) – she hears the same thing and was always asked if she would try for a girl. On the flip side, my cousin just had her 4th girl and is still asked if she will try for a boy….neither is trying for anymore. My only guess as to why people say this more towards someone having all boys is because, yes, boys can be a little more wild than girls, so maybe in some way they think a life with all boys will be a harder one. I can agree with the last comment posted about the comments that come along with having one of each – I have a 21 month old son and 5 month old daughter and get the “Your’re lucky”… Don’t see where luck comes in to the picture on that…I think having one of each can actually be more difficult because things are completely different between the two!
June 29th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Amy@BoyMomDesigns says:
You preach it sista! This is exactly the kind of thing that inspired me with boymom. I couldn’t stand it that someone would suggest my boys were a nuisance. Argggghhhh!!!
February 11th, 2009 at 10:45 am
cassy says:
I have Four boys and get the “Wow four boys” comment all the time. I just simply say “yes, we are creatures of habit even in the bedroom.” haha….most people don’t know how to respond to that one.
February 24th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Sig says:
Yes, imagine being pregannt with a 5th boy and hearing “Awwww, it’s another boy”, in front of my other boys.
Nice.
March 5th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Carey says:
I’m currently pregnant with my 3rd boy, and I’m “pregnant enough” that everyone is starting to ask what we’re having. I am SO TIRED of hearing, “OH GOD! I could NOT have 3 boys! Ugh!!!” Well good… because I can and I will. And I will be dang good at it. Actually, I had 3 women laugh at me the other day when I told them it is boy #3. LAUGHED. AT. ME. While I know their comments shouldn’t hurt (or I shouldn’t LET them hurt…), in the throws of pregnancy hormones, it sometimes gets the best of me.
(
March 5th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Kady Maccagnan says:
I have 3 beautiful boys aged 4,3 & 3 months old and i can’t believe the response i got from MOST people when I told them I was expecting boy # 3,
things like “oh well”, and “are you going to try again?”, it really hurt to hear these comments, as if having another baby of the same sex is a dissapointment, and not a blessing.
I was also talking to a woman i had just met and asked her how many kids she had, and she said “2 – a girl and a boy, so I’m lucky!”, ah, yes you are, because you have 2 healthy children, just like all of us with children are lucky.
It has even turned me off having another child, because i would be thinking all the time that others must think I am “trying” for a girl, when really all i would want was another child to add to our family.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Mandee says:
I know exactly what you are talking about! I am the mother of 4 boys! I get comments like that all of the time! I just blogged about it the other day as well! My personal favorite is when they ask if I’m going to keep trying for a girl!
July 9th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
laura says:
I also have two boys. I think people make comments like that because they are unoriginal people who generally speak in cliches anyway. I think people often think they have to comment on anything someone says with some sort of value statement, like “that’s great,” “how funny,” “I’m sorry,” or something along those lines. I really think comments any of us get about motherhood come from fatigue and ignorance. So, I try to be understanding when someone says something about my two boys while I then go look for more interesting friends overall!
February 14th, 2010 at 6:12 am
Diane says:
I have four boys – 11,9,4, and 2, and have many of the same experiences as the rest of you. I know this is an older post, but it felt so reassuring to read this after a friend commented that she now has a “complete famiy” after having a baby girl after two boys. I’m so blessed that my own family can be complete whether or not I have daughters! I think I’ve seen a phrase that reads, “Anyone who says you can’t love a fourth son as much as the first son, doesn’t have four sons.”
February 5th, 2011 at 1:17 pm
Mari says:
I have 3 boys (5,7,9) and I have heard similar comments as well. It stems from ignorance and the idea that boys are all rambunctious and out of control. Whatever. I pity the ones that have all girls….PMS is a bitch.
The comments are not necessary. I am a blessed woman with the awesome privilege of raising 3 fine boys. My husband and I will not be looking for the girl.
October 22nd, 2011 at 4:09 pm