Lately I have started to notice The Perfect Mom everywhere I go. I think it is because of a book I have been reading, Life Swap, by Jane Green. The story asks is the grass really greener on the other side, and one of the characters in the book, Amber, is The Perfect Mom.
The town Amber lives in, Highfield Connecticut, is so competitive among the mothers- they have to have the right clothes, the right shoes, the right running-errands look, the right car, the right body, enroll their children in all the right schools and activities, the right husband, and of course make this look effortless.
Reading the book, I thought it was a little exaggerated- or was it?
I live in Northern Colorado, where thankfully, most of the mothers I know, are more concerned about making playdates for their kids, and talking to the moms there, then checking out which moms have the latest designer handbag. But I work in Boulder, which is a lot like the town in the book. I get out to lunch every so often and see the mom crowd at noon, with the latest baby gear, designer diaper bags, designer clothes, and they look perfect doing it.
Today I took the boys to the Children’s Museum in Denver, where for a minute I thought I was anywhere but a children’s museum- where there are children- you know- who are dirty.
I saw more moms than not, in designer jeans, high heeled (like several inches) boots, beautiful jewelery, gorgeous sweaters, and scarves. Their hair was perfect- their make-up was flawless, and they had the latest designer handbags. I watched them like they were from another planet, because to me they are. I find it fascinating.
Don’t get me wrong- I like to dress up like that when I am going out to dinner, or to a movie, or to a party, or out with friends- but to take my two active boys out with dirty hands and runny noses- not so much. I like to save my designer jeans and my ONE beautiful expensive sweater when it will not be used as a tissue by my two-and-a-half year old.
Yet I noticed something- The Perfect Mom’s children did not wipe their hands on their mother’s 7 for All Mankind Jeans. They didn’t drool half eaten bananas on their calfskin leather boots. Their two year olds, didn’t tug at their just-out-of -the salon haircuts. The children certainly were not using their mothers cashmere sweaters as tissues. I wondered what planet were these were children from?
Since Ryan and Cole love playing on the fire engine there, I get to sit and mom-watch. As some of these perfect children belonging to The Perfect Moms from Planet Perfect started to melt down, it was back to Earth. Even a mother in a $500 outfit for a day at the children’s museum gets that look of dread in her face when her child starts screaming and crying. My group of mom friends just seem to go to our kids when they are crying and hug them, or pick them up. That is why I don’t do Perfect Mom- it isn’t very practical. It was interesting to see that I didn’t see very many Perfect Mom’s pick up or even touch their kids, while they were crying.
I am not judging- just stating an observation that I saw today. One mom told her daughter, who was about four, and who was screaming so loudly I wanted ear-plugs, that she was going to leave if the daughter didn’t stop crying. The daughter did not stop crying, and true to her word, the mom started to walk away- really- like out of the room. The girl started screaming even louder and the mom didn’t come back. She really had left. This was upsetting to me- I can only imagine how this little girl felt. I was ready to go comfort her, when Mom came back and the little girl was beside herself, whimpering and telling her mom she wouldn’t cry anymore.
Everyone in the room was watching this, and it was upsetting. I can’t judge someone by the type of clothes they wear, but I saw a few more incidents like this as well- not as extreme, but the women who were dressed perfectly, didn’t seem to pick up or touch their children- at least not when I saw them. I am not saying that they don’t, but I just didn’t see it when I was watching today.
As we were leaving the museum, a little boy ran right into me. His mom came over and apologized and told me she was sorry. She immediately swooped down, and picked up her little boy and held him. She had on jeans (probably from Old Navy) tennis shoes, and a fleece jacket. I smiled and told her no problem- and I felt like I was back on planet Earth-for real.
Most moms I know, myself included are not be perfect- we struggle. If we can get dressed, get our kids dressed, and manage to get out of the house before lunch time, we are doing well. I know the last thing on my mind some days is how I look. One day I was out for six hours running errands with the kids and had a playdate. At the end of the day, when I was getting undressed, I noticed my shirt was on inside out, with the label sticking out. I wondered how many people had noticed that, or more than likely, no one had.
Perfect moms look beautiful, poised, and put together at all times. I admire someone who can do that, I really do. But I would rather be able to hug my child and not risk, ruining my outfit if he happened to have dirt on his hands, or a runny nose. If my kids can feel free to give me hugs whenever they want, then I know I am the perfect mom to them- that is all that matters- even if my shirt is on inside out.
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Jill says:
I hear of these mythical creatures but I don’t know any! I have one friend that could sort of fit the bill of being perfect but I also know how she struggles like the rest of us at home.
I just have really genuine, honest friends, I guess.
Wait! Come to think of it, I have seen a few moms in Juicy sweatsuits at the park.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:17 am
crunchy domestic goddess (amy) says:
And this is why I love you all (my friends) so much. I could never even attempt to keep up with all of the mommy styles and fashions and am glad I don’t have to bother.
Great post.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:29 am
Nicole says:
Interesting observation!!
I seriously only know about fashionable clothes from reading books. I doubt I’d know a designer anything if it bit me
And I agree w/ Amy
March 31st, 2009 at 5:18 pm
jen says:
Perfect Mom gives me hives. I can’t do it, nor do I want to. Right now I’m still in kid survival mode (jeans and t-shirts, shoes that don’t require laces because then I can’t keep up with them), though I have high hopes I’ll be able to move past that this fall when both boys are in school full time. Perfect Mom…I pity her. She’s missing out on a lot, and will miss out on a lot more when her kids are grown and want nothing to do with her.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Kisha says:
Ah the perfect moms. I will never be a prefect mom because I know that I will get dirty, with or without my child with me, lol. Running a daycare also means that I will also be getting dirty.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Stephanie says:
Aw rats! Here I was hoping you’d be describing us everyday, kid kleenex moms as perfect moms. I think we sound a lot more perfect than that other type.
Oh well. Being imperfect is lots more fun.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Emily says:
I just have really genuine, honest friends, I guess.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:08 pm
A Mama's Blog says:
I use that title, “Perfect Mom,” because I perceive that as the image being given. I don’t think any mom is really perfect- we all just try the best we can, and some have different ways of going about it.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Annie @ PhD in Parenting says:
My own general observation would be that the moms that are perfect models (not perfect moms) are also the ones that tend to see their kids as an inconvenience. They won’t say it in that many words, but they will tell you over and over again in different words that their needs come first and that if you give into a child’s needs, you are spoiling them.
No one is a perfect mom, but I think those of us that are striving to be the best mom that we can recognize that it means being a shoulder to cry on, a shirt to wipe a nose on, and a rough and tumble play partner. Maybe not all of the time, but most of the time. I do take time for myself, but when I am with my kids, I dress and act in a way that makes them feel loved and valued.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:10 am
A Mama's Blog says:
Great comments, and Annie- interesting insight.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Jen (wombwisdom) says:
thanks for this post. there is so much isolation in the perfect mom world. besides the “perfect mom” type you talk about there are so many other ideals we wrestle. I tried to be the perfect attachment parenting, breastfeeding, earth mama I could be and I failed miserably. our children are such an opportunity to become more real and authentic….you touch on that. Thanks again.
April 5th, 2009 at 8:28 am