Motivation

May 27, 2010 By 1 Comment

(Cross posted at Choose You Blog- a new campaign by The American Cancer Society to help encourage and support women to put their health first in the fight against cancer.  I will be blogging with Choose You about my fitness goal- running in a marathon this year.  This is my second blog post with Choose You. If you missed the first one, you can read it here.)

The last few weeks, I have lost some motivation.  Ironically it started right around the time I made the commitment to Choose You, and subsequently announced I was going to run in a marathon this year.

Prior to Choose You, I didn’t announce my goals, or “put them out there” to everyone.  I’d tell a few friends what I was hoping I could do.  I’d sign up for a race, and write about it on my blog.  I guess you can say the pressure is on, and I have a fear now- what if I can’t do this? 

Another factor coming in to play is the conclusion of my divorce.  It had been going on for a year and a half, and any divorce that takes that long is complicated, and usually not very easy.  At the end of the court trial last Wednesday, it was finalized, and I felt completely drained. I missed posting my blog post here last Thursday, because I had no energy after the trial to write anything.  I think the conscious and unconscious stress that has been present for the last year and half has caught up to me. 

Health-wise, my latest blood work shows I am extremely deficient in Vitamin D.  The dose of radioactive iodine I had last August has depleted my Vitamin D levels.  My doctor said this alone could account for my fatigue.  She prescribed a second round of prescription Vitamin D, in hopes that will raise my levels back to the normal range. 

All of this compiled has resulted in very little motivation or desire to run.  The other day at the gym, I ran a third of a mile, and felt like I had run ten miles. (It is painful to write that!)  I was tired, winded, and wanted to just stop, go home, and go to bed.  I forced- and I mean forced -myself to keep going, and I ended up running 6.5 miles at a 9:10 pace, but my heart and my head were not in it. 

I was going to try an ambitious mountain half marathon in June, but I have no desire right now to put in the hard training I would have to do to run it the way I planned to.  I have been riding my bike more lately than running, and am really enjoying that.  I have been building up my distance and speeds, and I’m not worrying about setting any hard or fast goals.  Right now, bike riding doesn’t feel like work, and running does.  Fortunately, cycling is good cross training.    

I have still been running on average 10 miles a week, and I am going to try to keep that up.  I hope over the next few weeks, I will decompress from everything, and my motivation will return.  I have worked really hard to get to where I am, and I don’t want to just let it slide away.    

Last week I was running on the treadmill at the gym, and having a really hard time just completing a 5K distance (3.1 miles).  I had run 2 miles and saw I was on pace to finish at over 30 minutes.  I haven’t run a 5K distance in over 30 minutes in months.  For the first time in a while, I felt that drive and motivation kick in.  I turned up the pace to run almost two minutes faster for the last 1.1 miles.  It was hard, but I did it and finished in 28 minutes. 

When I was getting off the treadmill a man came over to me and told me “very nice run-especially at the end.”  He said he used to run, but didn’t anymore.  He said he was going to ask me if I run in races, but after seeing me run at the end, he wanted to ask me now how many races I have won.  It was a very nice remark from a stranger, who knew nothing of the funk I’ve been in, didn’t know that was one of my slowest runs, and I’ve been struggling.   But I knew.  And the part that he said was very nice was the end- when I was running like I know I can, when I’m motivated.   

I am not sure what I really need to do, to get my running motivation back.  I hope I can figure it out soon though, because I have a marathon to train for. 

If you have any ideas, comments, or suggestions, I’d love to hear them.

Filed Under: Cancer, Choose You, Health, Running Tagged With: , , ,

Blogging and Divorce

May 25, 2010 By 2 Comments

If you have been a reader of my blog for awhile, or know me, you know that I have been in the midst of a divorce for a year and a half.  Last week after a trial, it was final. 

I’ve debated over the last year and a half, on how much I should blog about the divorce, and what was going on with it.  I felt like some of what I was experiencing could help others in similar situations.  But because of the nature of it, I decided the less I wrote about it, the better. 

One thing that surprised me somewhat, but probably shouldn’t have, was during the court trial, my ex-husband’s attorney threw out quotes from my blog, and mentioned some of the things regarding my health, and running that I have written, in order to portray me negatively in the manner she needed to.

As I sat there listening to her use my announcement that I was cancer free, and the information I have shared about running, to make her case, it was unsettling.  I wrote those things, and shared them to help other people, and to let other cancer patients know there is hope and life after having cancer.  Perhaps I was too naive- I didn’t think what I wrote would be turned and twisted around by an attorney, who was trying to show I don’t work full-time for my own selfish reasons. 

I know the reasons I haven’t gone to work full-time since my cancer recovery, and they have nothing to do blogging and running.  They have everything to do with my boys, and my being available for them-especially while their parents were getting divorced.  That might not make me the most successful person in my profession, or have me earning the most money I possibly can, but it has provided my children a sense of stability and normalcy through the divorce. 

I know I made the right decision for Ryan and Cole.  I will never look back at the last year and a half, and regret I didn’t have a full-time job.  I will remember I was there for my kids so their routine was not drastically changed.  I will remember I was there on Ryan’s first day of kindergarten.  I’ll remember standing at the bus stop with Ryan each morning and being there every afternoon when he got off the bus, until he gained the confidence himself. I will remember his smile when I volunteered in his classroom.  I will remember helping Ryan with his homework when he came home, having a snack with him and Cole, and talking about our day.  I will remember on the two days off a week I had, the one-on-one time Cole and I shared.  I will remember drawing, coloring, and baking with him.  I will remember playing farm, village, and fireman.  I will remember reading books to him, and going to the park.  I will remember talking to the boys about divorce, and the feelings they were having.  I will remember I was available for them during this incredibly difficult process. 

It turned out to be the right decision for me not to blog any specifics about the divorce.  My advice to any other parents who are wondering if they should blog about their divorce- don’t.  Written words are so easily twisted and taken out of context. Be there for your kids, and do what you need to do for them.  When it is all over, what is really important- and all that matters anyway, is you were there.

Filed Under: Cancer, Cole, Family & Friends, Health, Mothering, Parenting, Ryan Tagged With: , ,

Happy Fourth Birthday Cole!

May 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Cole is four today!  It is hard to believe that four years has already passed.  We had a fun celebration on Friday.

We spent Thursday night with Ryan and Cole’s three-year old cousin, Maelin.  They played outside, rode bikes, and then watched Music Man.  It was neat seeing the kids play together.

On Friday, I took the three kids to the Children’s Museum in Denver, because that is what Cole wanted to do.  They played and enjoyed the brand new bubbles exhibit.

Then we went to lunch and ate mac & cheese- Cole’s favorite.  Maelin gave Cole a claw gripper toy, and he absolutely loved it.  He said “I’ve been waiting year after year, after year for this.” After lunch we went back to Maelin’s house, the kids took a nap, and then played some more before it was time for us to go home.

Cole is such a little boy.  His middle name should be mischief, because he is always into everything.  Cole also has quite the memory and sense of humor.  He remembers so much.  He also likes to tell jokes, and make people laugh.  He’s very good with impressions.

Cole is so sweet and lovable.  He still crawls in my bed with me every night in the middle of the night.  He wraps his arm around mind, and goes back to sleep.  In the morning he wakes up with a smile on his face, and tells me he loves me.

Cole has also amazed me this year by reading Ryan’s kindergarten readers.  He has picked up several of them out of his brother’s homework folder, and can read them!

Cole’s favorite food is still noodles and mac & cheese.  His favorite snack is goldfish crackers.  He likes cooking and baking with me, playing farm, fireman, and riding his scooter.  He wants to be a farmer when he grows up.

Cole often says he misses his Nana.  I recall my mom was the only one besides me, that could hold Cole when he was a newborn baby.  He cried and cried if anyone else held him.  When my mom came to visit, one month after his birth, she took Cole from me.  I warned her he was going to cry.  I was pretty surprised when he didn’t. In fact, he laid peacefully in her arms for hours.  They had a unique bond.

A few weeks after my mother passed away, I made chile rellenos for the boys.  I didn’t put chiles in theirs, and they liked the crunchy shell and melted cheese.  Cole then said, “Nana loved chile rellenos.” This was true, but I had never told the boys this.  I told Cole Nana did, and asked him how did he know.  He said if he thinks, he can hear her voice in his head sometimes.  I can’t explain it, but I think it is very special.

Cole and his Nana- June 22, 2006

I’m so excited to see how Cole grows and changes this next year.  Holding him in my arms, seconds after he was born, four years seemed like a lifetime away, and yet it is here.

I love you, Coley.  Happy Birthday!

Filed Under: Cole, Family & Friends, Mothering, Parenting Tagged With: ,

Title 9 Mother’s Day 9.9K Race

May 11, 2010 By Leave a Comment
Two months ago, my friend, Alison, suggested we run in the Title 9 Mother’s Day Race.  She had ran in it two years ago, and said it was a very fun race.  They also had activities for the kids, including their Rag-A-Muffin race, where the kids could race.  In the spirit of Title IX  it was a women’s only race.  I’ve been wondering how I’d stack up against just women.  It is hard to compare your running with a man’s, even if you are in the same age group, because they can generally can run faster. 

Alison and I were certain the race was a 9K, which is 5.5 miles.  The last few weeks I’d been preparing on how to run this distance in a race. I figured out how fast I needed to run each mile, and practiced to try to get the time I was hoping for- 50 minutes.  A few days ago, I ran 5.6 miles in 49 minutes, so I decided I’d try to hit 45 minutes for the race.  Ryan and Cole have been running short distances with me to train for their race. 

So on Mother’s Day, after making a big breakfast for the boys and I, and opening the cards they made for me, we headed out to the race site at the Boulder Reservoir.  We met up with Alison, her husband, Iggy, and their little boy, Winston.  The kids race was about to start so Cole and Winston lined up for the first wave:

Then they were off!

Ryan ran in the last wave, and he was ready to run!  

Alison and I got ready for our race, while the three boys and Iggy went off to play.   They announced then the race was a 9.9K, or 6.1 miles.  Alison and I were surprised we both had missed that.  It wasn’t that much in terms of distance, but for preparation it was huge.  I have ran a lot farther than 6.1 miles before, but never in a race or in a training run.  I didn’t know when I would peak, when I would start getting tired, or any of that.  There wasn’t a lot I could do, except run and see what happened. 

Alison met up with one of her friends, Kelli, and after chatting for a bit, we were ready to line up.  The fastest starting time they had was 7 minutes, and even though I wasn’t going to try to run every mile at that pace, I decided to line up there.   They announced there were almost 2,000 runners, so it was crowded, but the race organizers had everything running very smoothly. A few moments later, we were off!

The first mile seemed to fly by. I ran the first mile in 7:34, but figured I had better slow down a bit- there was still 5 miles to go.  The course had turned into dirt, gravel, and grooved road.  Some of the spots were really loose, and I had a few issues with really getting my feet planted.  There were a few hills too that weren’t super easy for me.  I’ve ran on a lot steeper and tougher hills, but during the race, the hills were challenging me.  

A handful of runners passed me.  I was trying to run a pace of 8:30 for the next few miles to make sure I would have enough left at the end.  The scenery was really pretty, and there was plenty of room to run, but I wasn’t getting into the groove I like.  I was struggling on the gravel at points, and was too overly focused on the pacing.  

At the beginning of mile 3, I was able to see the front of the pack, and the bikes leading the runners.  I was surprised for a minute when I realized there were not that many people in front of me.  I figured there were about 100 runners ahead of me.  It made sense since I started at the front, and not that many people had passed me.  That definitely gave me a boost. The race was half over, and it looked liked I was in the top 10%. 

At mile 4, I had crossed the reservoir, and I glanced across it.  I saw a sea of runners- the path was packed.  It dawned on me even though I wasn’t having my best race, or doing my best running, I was ahead of all of those runners- almost 2000 of them by a least a mile.  I thought back to my first race last October, and never thought 7 months later, I’d be running so strongly in a hard race with good runners.  It really hit me then how far I’ve come as a runner.   

When I hit 5.5 miles, the distance I thought I was going to be running, I was right at 45 minutes.  It made me feel good that I would have hit this goal even though it wasn’t the goal anymore.  I started to run faster, and the course was not that crowded.  There wasn’t anyone I felt like I could try to pass, so I concentrated on running faster and faster towards the end, and finishing strong.  It helped the last stretch was downhill. 

When I approached the finish line, I saw the official clock was at 50:58.  I ran as fast as I could, hoping to finish under 51 minutes, but I didn’t quite make it.  I saw the clock turn to 51 minutes and then I hit stop on my Garmin, so I wasn’t exactly sure what the official time would be, but knew it would be 51-something. I grabbed some water, and a few minutes later, I saw Alison running to the finish line.  We were both very happy we had run well and finished strong.   

We found the kids and Iggy, and visited some of the booths. Then we let the kids play on the beach, get their feet (and pants) wet, make sandcastles, and we had a picnic. 

Cole playing in the sand
  

Ryan, Cole, & Winston being silly
 
Kelli joined us when she was finished, and we all had a nice time visiting and playing with the kids.  We all agreed it was a great race, and it was one of the most professional and organized ones I have participated in.  I hope to run it again next year.
 
I’m very fortunate to have a friend like Alison to run with and learn from, and I’m very grateful to Iggy for watching Ryan and Cole for me during the race.  My dad was going to come and watch the boys while I ran, but he had a situation arise and he couldn’t make it.  It was also very nice to get “good luck” and “Happy Mother’s Day” texts and messages before and after the race from my friends and family. It was a perfect way to spend Mother’s Day.  
 
Alison, Kelli, and I (after the race)
 
Official Results
  
Time: 51:02
  
Overall Place: 110th out of 1785 finishers (top 6%)
  
Division Place: 34th out of 393 finishers
  
Average Pace: 8:20
Filed Under: Cole, Family & Friends, Holidays, Mothering, Running Tagged With: , ,

“Not In Front of People, Mom”

May 5, 2010 By 3 Comments

Childhood is full of milestones: first smile, first laugh, crawling, first word, walking, and the list goes on.  Sometimes it seems with a baby, new milestones are reached every day and are noted.  Now that my kids are getting older, these events seem fewer and far between.  Or maybe as parents, we just grow accustomed to our kids doing new things, so not everything they do draws the attention like it did when they were babies.

Recently, Ryan had two milestones that made me stop and take notice.   The first one was last week, on the day I pick him up from school.  The class was lined up outside, like they always do, and his teacher, Mrs. G., excuses the kids to go with their parents.  When she called Ryan’s name, he went and gave her a big hug.  Then he walked over to me, and I started to hug him, like I always do, and he pushed me away.  Then he said, “Not at school, Mom.” 

I was a little puzzled since he had just hugged Mrs. G.  I guess it is okay to hug your teacher, but not your mom.  As we walked to the car, I asked him if he was too big now to hug me.  He kind of avoided the question, until we were in the car, and then said, “I still want to hug you, but not in front of people, Mom.”  I joked with him and told him he was too cool now to hug me, and I understood.

But wow.  That happened fast.

The second event started last week.  We were at Costco getting the tires rotated, and Ryan told me he had to use the restroom.  I started to take him, and then asked him if he was okay going to the men’s room.  He told me yes, he could read, and he knows which one is the men’s room.  I didn’t want to follow him too closely, but I watched him from afar, and he went into the men’s room, and came out a few minutes later.  He told me he washed his hands, and he added, “I am a man now, because I use the men’s room.”

I told him he wasn’t quite a man yet, but he was on his way, and he was big enough to go to the restroom by himself when we are out- he just has to tell me.  So today we were out, and he told me he was going to go use the men’s room. 

It seems funny but also a bit sad at the same time.  As a mother, seeing your children become a little less dependent on you, it reminds you of how helpless they once were, but also how incredibly far they have come.  It’s a part of life.  It doesn’t mean though at times, it isn’t bittersweet. 

It makes me cherish the time I have with Cole, who can’t hug me enough, and doesn’t want to use the men’s room by himself-yet.

Filed Under: Cole, Mothering, Parenting, Ryan Tagged With: ,
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