2011 February | A Mama's Blog

My mother, Linnie, with my brother, Jeff, (her first child) in 1970.

One year. My mom has been dead for one year today. Some days it seems like she’s still out there- living her life and she’ll be calling any day to say ‘Hi,’ like she often did. Then there are days where it seems like she’s been gone for ten years.

When she died, I had no idea how to get through the next year. I don’t think anyone does- you just do. Life goes on. There are kids, jobs, family, relationships, friends, hobbies, and all the other stuff that keeps life busy. I have had all of those things this past year. I’ve wanted to share them with my mom. There have been days where I’ve cried for her. Days where I’ve been mad, days where I have peace, days I’m happy she’s not suffering, but most of all I just miss her.

I realized around Christmas, when I pulled out “The Night Before Christmas,” book she recorded in her voice the year before for Ryan and Cole, I was forgetting what her voice sounded like. You don’t think about that- until you realize you are forgetting what their voice sounds like.

All the things- little and big, I took for granted from her- parenting advice (sometimes asked for, sometimes not), Mother Day cards and wishes, phone calls, little odd gifts that would come from QVC in the mail to me because she thought I’d like them, visits, birthday cards, encouragement, someone who always had time for me, unwavering support, my boys’ Nana, and unconditional love, I noticed this past year, painfully, because those things are not here from her anymore.

And yet, I still have a sense she’s with me. As I have gone through the tedious process of keeping current my cancer follow up care, I hear her voice in the back of my mind, telling me to stay up on it. I see her smile in Ryan, Cole, and my niece’s. When I am baking or cooking one of her recipes, I remember the love she had for us, as she made the same dishes years ago. When I feel like I really need to know she’s looking out for us, something happens- something unexplainable, which I can only attribute to her. Like Cole telling me out of the blue, that Nana visits him when he sleeps, and she tells him she loves all of us. Or the pharmacy dropping the price on the very expensive cancer testing drug I need by the exact amount my insurance won’t cover. It’s hard not to think she is out there somehow- making sure we know her presence is here.

Then there is the guilt and questions that are always buried beneath the surface. Was I a good enough daughter? Did I spend enough time with her? Did she know I loved her? Did she know how much I appreciated things she had done for me her entire life? I tried to make sure I told her these things during the few days we had in the hospice, but I can’t remember. Much of that week is a blur. I do remember when I told John my mom was very sick, probably was going to die, and I was heading to Minnesota with my sister, he told me the time I would have with my mom would be a gift. I didn’t really register what that would mean at the time, but I thought about it while I was spending time with her in the hospital and hospice, after she passed away, and during this past year.

A gift. A gift to watch your mother die. A gift to be there. A gift to say good-bye. A gift to laugh with her one more time. A gift for her to hear her grandchildren’s voices for a final time. A gift for all of us to be a family one more time. A gift for her to hug me. A gift for her to hold my hand. A gift for her stroke my hair one last time, like she did when I was little. A gift to crawl into bed with her, like I did when I was little. A gift to be her little girl, one final time. A gift to tell her I love her. A gift for her to tell me she loves me. A gift to see her make the decision this was the end of her life. A gift for her to see the outpouring of love from her friends. A gift to hear her labored breathing, as it slowed down every hour. A gift to know it was peaceful. A gift to hold her hand, as she took her last breath. A gift to see her suffering end. A gift to see her spirit finally at peace-forever.

To have had and to have known these things in my mom’s final week of her life, even with the pain and heartache, -the comfort it has brought me- I can’t fully describe. The only words I have are: A Gift.

If the Running Shoe Fits…

Running has been almost non-existent this fall and early winter. After I got a new pair of running shoes in September, I developed a bad shin splint on my left shin. This happened to me last year as well, when I replaced my shoes.

I thought I needed to break them in more, so I tried running low mileage- a mile or two, a few times a week, in hopes my shin would start to feel better. It didn’t, and it started to feel worse. I was really disappointed because the wonderful people at Boa Technology put a custom pair of Boa laces in my new shoes, since I had these on my previous shoes, a pair from The North Face, the Boa Arvuna, which I adored. I loved those shoes, but they were discontinued. The Boa lacing system is superior- they don’t come untied and they stay tight. I swore after having the Boa system, I would never go back to regular shoe laces. I wore the new custom shoes at my last race, the Denver Race for the Cure, before the shin splint developed.

By the time I could finally admit the shoes were not working for me, it was December. I switched back to my old shoes, which were too small, while I decided what shoe to get next. My old shoes hurt my feet, which is why I needed new shoes in the first place. I felt like I was in a shoe black hole during the holidays and I cut down running even more because of foot pain.

In the meantime, I decided to play soccer once a week in an indoor co-ed league. It looked like fun, and I thought it would be good cross training. Some of my friends played on the league as well. Shifting my attention on soccer delayed my decision on running shoes.

For some reason, I was having a really hard time saying good-bye to my North Face shoes. I had accomplished a lot of running goals during the past year- some of which I never dreamed I would be able to do. I was not sure if I’d be as successful as I wanted to be with another pair of shoes. It sounds silly, but I suspect I’m not the only person who is attached to an important piece of gear for their sport.

Meanwhile, John suggested I look into Pearl Izumi running shoes. I read up on some of the pairs, and I had heard good things about them, but until you can wear them and run in them, it is hard to make a decision. Over New Year’s we visited a Pearl Izumi outlet store. The salesclerk who helped me said she ran a lot on trails and road, and recommended a pair, the Syncrofloat II. I tried them on, ran around the store with them, and they felt good. But they had laces. I wanted Boa laces. And they were white and light pink. I wasn’t crazy about the color. But I noticed as I ran around the store in them, for the first time since my North Face shoes, I didn’t have any shin pain. The laces seemed to stay tight too. So I compromised and made the best decision I could. I bought them.

I started breaking them in slowly- on a treadmill, so I could return them if I noticed any pain. But I didn’t. In fact, I started to like them the more I wore them. They were comfortable. After running in shoes for over a year that were half a size too small, my feet felt like I had little pillows on them. However, I was reserving my final judgment for trail and road running.

In January, I put the Pearl Izumi’s to the test. I ran short distances- under two miles on trail, road, and bike paths. No shin pain, or any pain anywhere else. The laces stay tight and I haven’t had them come untied yet. I was almost ready to return to my serious running when I got hurt-again.

I was playing soccer in the first game, and was not used to the Astroturf. I fell and the whole next week, my quad muscle hurt. Not bad, but it didn’t feel quite normal. Then the next game I was running and it just gave out. I couldn’t run and it was killing me. I thought I had a cramp and stretched it out. It felt better to try to play later in the game. I kicked the ball with my opposite foot and while I did that, I felt my quad muscle pop. I had definitely pulled it.

So I’ve been resting again. No soccer or heavy running for the past three weeks. It has paid off, and my quad muscle is finally better. I ran pretty fast outside the other day and had no pain whatsoever.

I decided during this break, that I am finally over the shoe issue and it’s time to accomplish some of the running goals I have. However, I decided the best shot I will have at reaching these goals, means I stop playing soccer. I’m not 21 anymore, and any injury can mean weeks of forced time off to heal. Not losing any training days or weeks will be very important during the next nine weeks.

I have registered for my first half marathon in April! I’m so excited. I have wanted to run a half marathon after the first 5K race I ran. I was training to run one last Spring, but then my mom passed away suddenly, and I was not able to continue the training schedule.

I have the most supportive family, friends, kids, and my new running partners- my shoes. I have to build my mileage back up, and get faster. The few times I have run the 13.1 mile distance (not in a race); I ran it in 2:10. My goal is to finish in sub 2 hours. I have all the important elements in place to accomplish this. All the pieces fit now. They are waiting for me to take them and run. That is what I am going to do.