This is the first post I’ve had about running in a while.  I have been running- not just as much as I would like to.

There are a lot of reasons why- from having time with my kids, work schedule, having my house on the market, recovering from injuries, and surgery, managing my health, eliminating stress, the weather, to not enough hours in the day. It is hard when there is that thing you really like to do, but it seems like everything else has to come before it.

This is where I have been for several months.  I have felt fortunate if I could fit a short run in, over my lunch time, a few times a week. The past few weeks, I have really started to notice I have been missing the longer runs, and pushing myself.  I feel like I haven’t been doing any runs that are challenging- like I’ve hit a plateau.

A few weekends ago, I decided I was going to get back on track, and while camping with my family, I decided to go on a run.  This was at 8,900 feet. It was the middle of the afternoon and it was hot.  I didn’t know how far I would even be able to run, since I’ve not been able to keep up my distance runs.  I decided to just go- and see where I ended up.

I ran along the forest road, and there was a creek I followed for a while.  There were hills.  There was an occasional car that would drive by, but other than that, I only heard my breathing, the sound of my shoes hitting the rocks, and the water from the creek.

Every time I finished one hill, there would be another.  It wasn’t quite the trail I had been hoping for, but I pushed on.  The first mile seemed to take forever.  When I had finished it, 11 minutes had passed.  Considering how many hills there were, I didn’t think that was too bad.  I decided to see if I could run another mile.  The trail flattened out, or at least the hills weren’t as steep for most of the second mile.  As I finished the second mile, I was getting tired, but wanted to go another half mile, so at the end I would have ran 5 miles.

As I turned the bend, with a third of a mile to go, there was the steepest hill yet!  It struck me how much running and life go hand in hand out there, on the hot, isolated trail.  Just when you think you are done with the steep hills, another one can pop up- seemingly out of nowhere, to throw you the most difficult obstacle yet.  I knew if I had seen that hill before I decided to continue, I would have turned back. I considered turning back, but that spark and determination I find so often when I run, kicked in.

I started up the hill, and half way up, it didn’t seem that hard.  Another life lesson- sometimes things seem harder than they really are, until you just start to work on them.  Before I knew it, I was running down the hill, and had hit my 2.5 mile mark.  I turned around, and ran right back up the hill, which my Garmin told me was a 13% incline.  The hill didn’t seem as hard, and I was rewarded with a lot downhill time on the run back.

I was in mile four, when I caught up with the creek again. It sounded louder- almost like it was cheering.  Or it was me hearing that, because I was really cheering myself on.

I hadn’t run this far or at this level in almost a year, but yet I was out on one of the hardest runs I’ve ever done, and I was minutes away from finishing.   As I finished the run, I was reminded why I had missed longer runs so much.

Running mirrors life.  There are ups, downs, successes, failures, pain, elation, unexpected twists, turns, hills, and obstacles.  As you run and mange these, you gain a new perspective. With every hill you run up, and then run down, you are reminded of what lies within- strength, determination, hope, and accomplishment.

I wasn’t focusing on the time, but I was hoping with all things considered, I would finish in an hour.  I finished the run in 55 minutes.  My last mile was the fastest one- at 10:24.

I went and sat in the cold creek with my kids, who had been playing in the water with their grandpa and cousin.   As I watched them play, and felt the cold water rush over my legs, I felt another feeling I often gain with running- peace.

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I’ve signed up for my first race in almost a year on Labor Day. It is 5 miles.  While I have run a 9K race before, (5.5 miles), the 5 mile distance will be a bit more challenging for me this time since I haven’t had a lot of training time to build up my mileage.  Before the mountain trail run, my goal was to finish in 50 minutes or so.  I am pretty confident I can finish around this time, and I do like to race, to see how fast I can run.

I am happy to be back racing, and am going to focus more on the run itself- the sights, the sounds, my breathing, and the fact that after all of it- I’m strong, healthy, and still running.

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I had a laser surgery yesterday to remove the precancerous cell growth I had.  I’m very happy to be able to type this today- the surgery went great.  It was much better than I had been expecting.  The nurses, and doctors were so organized and on top of it all.  I am feeling groggy and dizzy from the anesthesia, but the pain is not nearly as bad as I had thought it might be.

The hardest moment for me was when I was in the pre-op bed, with the IV in waiting for the surgery to start. In the hospital bed like that, I felt sick.  I missed Ryan and Cole so much.  A lot of memories of surgery and cancer came back to me.  I knew this wasn’t cancer, but those “what-ifs” seem to have a way of creeping in.  I was going to be unconscious during the surgery, and that made me nervous.  I also saw my chart binder with my last name, and it reminded me of seeing that binder when I was in the hospital with my mom before she passed away.  I missed her a lot yesterday.

But my family and friends had called and texted me before the surgery, and I knew they were thinking of me.  I was able to mentally make the shift that I was not sick, this was a preventative surgery, and it would be better I was asleep during the surgery.

A day after, I hope this was the last surgery I will ever have to have.  As I wrote in my last post, I have made a few changes in my life, to work on keeping my stress down.  It takes a conscious effort, but I definitely do not want to get any more cancers, or abnormal cells that could develop into cancer.

I have received a lot of email from thyroid cancer patients and survivors.  It seems like we all have our struggles.  One person I know is still having dosage problems for Synthroid two years after the fact.  Another person  still doesn’t feel back to normal after two years as well, and is nervous about developing more cancers.

Yesterday all the nurses and doctors who looked at my chart told me I was a very healthy person.  I was a little surprised to hear them all say that.  When I asked them even though I had thyroid cancer, they said yes- from a medical perspective, thyroid cancer is treatable and curable, and they look at the overall health picture.

I wanted to write and share this, because it is too easy once you’ve had cancer, to stop viewing yourself as healthy. I like what the medical staff had said, it’s an overall health picture. One cancer, or two- a few surgeries, doesn’t make you an unhealthy person.  I am going to make that mind shift and keep all of it perspective.

Thank you to John, who took excellent care of me after the surgery last night,  my friends and family for your well wishes, and for checking in with me today.  I’m also very grateful to Ryan and Cole’s father’s family who are helping out with their care this week, so I can recover.

As I’ve written so many times, cancer does change you, and there are good parts to it and not so good parts to it.  But, the main thing is to keep on top of it, and trust your body.  It will be a fight for probably the rest of our lives, but as all cancer patients and survivors know- it is well worth it.

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June 12^th marked two years since I had my thyroidectomy and neck dissection to treat thyroid cancer.  I was planning to write a special blog post with references and guides for thyroid cancer patients.  When I started researching the condition, it was hard to find credible sources and information, and I thought it would be nice to have a source guide with all the valuable links to the information I have found and used over the past two years.

I still plan to write that, but it will have to wait.  On June 14^th, I received the results from a biopsy.  It showed a moderate abnormal growth of cells, which I was told if left untreated, develops into cancer.  The condition is rare- my doctor said less than 1% of women ever develop this, and he didn’t even have that much information he could share with me, since his practice rarely has a patient with this. He said they don’t know what causes it, but a weakened immune system is suspected. 

It felt like déjà vu, and it was upsetting.  There wasn’t a lot of information on the Internet. But what I was able to find, was pretty much the same information my doctor had told me.  As I talked to my family and friends, the reality of what I need to do, became clear.

I had a few hours where I realized and accepted, like it or not, my immune system is weakened because of my prior cancer.  When I was recovering two years ago, I was really careful with not over doing it, resting, eliminating unnecessary stresses, and not “sweating the small stuff.”  I realized I’ve not been doing a great job of that lately.  As I discovered, when I don’t do these things, my health suffers. 

I decided to ask my doctor if he knew of any other doctors who specialize in this condition, and who were familiar with the more advanced treatment options.  He was able to refer me to specialist and I have an appointment with her next week.

After doing more research I believe I will be fine.  I think this was caught early enough and it is treatable.  I can liken it to when you find a suspicious mole and they tell you it needs to be removed because it could develop into melanoma if it is left untreated.  

Receiving news like this again- puts it in perspective.  There are very few things in life that are so important, it is worth the stress.  At times, the little things seem big.  Some of these things I can control, some of them I can’t.  It is hard to admit I can’t do it all. But trying to, and neglecting my health, isn’t an option for me anymore.    

The past few weeks, I’ve reevaluated ways I can cut down on my stress levels, and started working on building up my immune system. I don’t have the specialist’s diagnosis yet, but I feel like I have already started to fight this with these changes.      

I think health conditions can be a manifestation of stress.  One of the best books I’ve ever read on this topic is When the Body Says No, by Gabor Mate.  When things in your life aren’t working; your body gives you clues. What we chose to do with the clues-what we choose to change, can make all the difference.

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It’s been a month since I’ve written a blog post!  I wish I had a great excuse for not doing so, but I’ve been busy.  Mainly with work.  I work in the accounting field, and this is always a busy time of year.

I’ve been well since my last post- finding out I was cured from cancer.  It is pretty hard to top that!  My doctor changed my Synthroid dosage slightly for reasons I mentioned in the previous post.  I now take a smaller dosage on Sunday, and I’m finding I’m very tired on Monday and Tuesday.  It’s amazing how such a small adjustment down in dosage can affect how I feel.  I’ve been trying to get more rest on these nights, and just hoping eventually my body will adjust.  But it’s always a process. 

The weather has been so windy here, and we’ve had lots of rain and cooler temperatures.  Combined with my being swamped at work, and extra tired two days out of the week, I’ve not been running as often or as long as I would like to.  I also had a hard time last year, around this time of year.  Everything with my mom being sick, dying, having her funeral, her birthday, and then Mother’s Day, started in February and goes until May.  It’s only been a year, and it’s still an emotionally hard time during these “anniversary” dates. 

I’m trying to let myself feel what I need to feel and not push myself physically too much.  I have been able to get out on shorter runs on tougher routes during my lunch, and that feels like the extent of what I want to do with running for now.  I hope as the weather gets nicer, I can start running longer distances again and get out on my bike.  I was going to try to run a half marathon in April, but I hadn’t been able to build up the mileage, and I didn’t want to risk running that distance and get hurt.  I’m not going to pressure myself to run in any races for the time being, but am just going to enjoy running when I can for now. 

Ryan and Cole are doing great.  School is almost over for them, and they are excited about attending a school / day camp program where they will be learning and going on field trips this summer. They have both learned how to ice skate, and enjoy playing hockey- on ice, and in our driveway.  Ryan is finishing up Cub Scouts for the year and they both started karate lessons a few weeks ago.  They love it, and are already talking about earning their next level belt. They don’t want to be white belts anymore!  Here’s a picture of them from their first lesson:

I’m looking forward to summer- the warmer weather and spending time with my boys.  They are growing so fast, and after this summer my “baby” will be in school full-time.  Cole is going to be five next month, and in full time kindergarten in the fall.  It seems like those years from when he was a baby to now, have just flown by.  I hope we can slow down a bit during the summer, relax more, and I can savor what is left of my youngest child’s pre-school days. 

My 20th (gulp) high school reunion is planned for July. I helped plan our 10 year reunion, and am helping out as much as I can on planning the 20th.  If I thought my kids were growing too fast, it seems crazy I’ve been out of high school for (almost) two decades!  It will be fun to see everyone in person, and see all of our kids- new ones, and see how the babies have grown into pre-teens and teenagers from the last reunion.  Seems like we were just kids ourselves, and now we have kids- when did that happen?

I am planning a special post in June, to coincide with the two year anniversary of my thyroid cancer surgery.  I’m excited about it, and I think it will help so many cancer patients looking for resources and answers.

This is some of what has been going on- of course there is more, but I’m trying to get to bed earlier, so the more will just have to wait.  I post shorter updates on my FaceBook Fan Page.  I hope you will stop by there, and even though it’s been a few weeks, thanks for continuing to read A Mama’s Blog.

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Twenty three months ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 2 papillary thyroid cancer. I had a feeling before I was diagnosed, even though the odds were only 1 in 10, the nodule on my thyroid was cancer.  I can’t explain why, but in the back of my mind, I knew.

 A month later, I found out the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, and not only was I going to have my thyroid removed, but an extensive neck dissection removing cancerous lymph nodes. 

Reading back on these posts brought back a lot of emotions for me; uncertainty, fear, sadness, and the unknown. As I faced the surgery, I did the only thing I could do, and that was deal with everything.  My surgeon, Dr. Peter Schmid, was able to save the lymph nodes in the right side of my neck.  The biopsies he performed during surgery on those lymph nodes were not testing positive for cancer, so the surgery was not as invasive as originally thought.  It was still as he warned me though, “brutal.” 

The recovery from surgery was a nightmare, because of some mistakes made by my then endocrinologist’s office.  I went for three months without Synthorid and was extremely hypothyroid.

After the radioactive iodine treatment (RAI) was complete and I could start on Synthroid in August, 2009, things started to improve.  I felt better every day.  I started running.  I felt like the cancer was gone, but as I’ve written before, cancer changes your outlook on life. What seemed secure isn’t, what you take for granted before, you don’t.  It has always been there I could still have cancer, or it could come back. I started the recurrence tests two weeks ago, having had to delay them several months due to insurance issues.

Last week I had numerous tests including a full PET body scan, and blood labs work done.  I have felt poorly for the past week, from side effects from Thyrogen, used for the tests. At the scan, I received initial good news- the tech performing the scan, along with the radiologist said my thyroid area looked good.

But nothing could prepare me yesterday for the official results with my new endocrinologist, Dr. W.  She confirmed the scan had come back clean, and looked great.  Dr. W. told me my thyroglobulin level (Tg) which measures for thyroid cancer had come back undetectable. It should be at zero if there is no cancer.  Before my surgery, Dr. Schmid had told me my Tg level was 37, which was very high for someone my age, indicating cancer had spread from the thyroid.  With the Tg level undetectable that was the proof in my blood, the cancer was gone-for now.  Then Dr. W. told me the words, I was not expecting, “…I’d say the cancer is cured.  You are cured.”

I got through the rest of the appointment, trying to listen to what is next.  Dr. W. told me I don’t have to do the recurrence tests again. She suggested since I’ve met my insurance deductible for the year, to have a neck ultrasound done now, and then I won’t have to have one for two years.  I will need to come in for blood work once a year.  She needs to adjust my Synthroid down slightly, because there is risk of side effects developing later in my life if I stay at the dosage I’m on. But other than that- it’s over.  I’m cured.

It seemed surreal as I walked out of her office, which is across the street from the hospital where I had my surgery two years ago.   I sat in my car, and started to shake.  And then I started to cry.  I cried tears of relief, tears of joy, and I cried all the uncertainty and doubts away I’ve carried with me for the past two years.  This ordeal was over.  I beat cancer, and I was officially cured. 

The first person I had to tell was my dad.  I don’t know how I would have survived that summer after my surgery without him.  When I was so sick from not having thyroid medication, he did more than I ever could have asked him to do for me.  He took care of the boys and I, when I couldn’t. I didn’t have to ask, he just did.  When I was scared, he wasn’t.  When I couldn’t drive myself to my doctor’s appointments, he did.  I only found out later, how scared he had been for me too.  I called him first and told him. I could hear the relief and happiness in his voice.

Then I called Dr. Schmid.  I left him a message and thanked him for his skill and expertise in my case. He had promised me I would live to see my boys grow up, and he was right.  Throughout this entire process, every doctor who has worked with me, has remarked how amazing it was that Dr. Schmid had been able to get out so much of the cancer from just the surgery.  Even yesterday, Dr. W. made that comment again, that he did a magnificent job.  She also confirmed there were no traces at all of cancer in the right lymph nodes- the ones Dr. Schmid had left in place.  He had been correct about that as well. I feel so grateful to him.  In a sense, he gave me my life back, and I don’t have to worry about cancer because of his thoroughness. He also always treated me like a person first, and a cancer patient second.  Two years after the fact, I wanted to thank him again for the crucial part he played in my hearing those words, “You are cured.” 

I called my very good friend, Amy, next.  Like my family and so many of my other friends, Amy’s been there every step of the way for me.  She went with me last week to my scan, just so I wouldn’t have to be there alone, while another friend, Heather, watched her kids, so Amy could come with me.  She texted me before and after the appointment yesterday. She was in the hospital visiting me after the surgery, and organized help for me. She entered and we were finalists in a contest for a trip to New York, because I missed going to Chicago with her after I had surgery.  Whenever I needed anything, Amy either did it, or asked another one of our friends if they could help me. 

Then I called my family. Like my dad, they did whatever they could to help me out and the boys.  They were all terrified for me, but were strong and told me I was going to beat this.  They believed in the outcome, when I didn’t.  When I found out I had cancer, I had to leave them a message to call me back, and some things never change.  No one answered their phone yesterday. :-)  They all called me back throughout the evening, and I was able to give them the good news.

I sent messages to my friends- the ones who have been my extended family, and did whatever I needed from cooking meals, to cleaning my house, to watching the boys during my doctor appointments, to mowing my lawn.  I am still so thankful for all of their help and support.  

I didn’t call one person though right away, I wanted to tell him in person.  When I was at home, quarantined after my RAI treatment, he would send me happy, funny, normal, run-of-the day messages.  He talked to me as his friend from school, not as though I was sick.  He’d joke my super power was now being radioactive.  When I wrote him back, I didn’t feel like I had cancer, and my neck had just been dissected.  I felt like myself. I didn’t have to talk to him about being sick, cancer, and all my fears.  It was a sense of normalcy, and it was a beginning. A beginning that showed me I was still the same person with or without cancer. Our conversations brought out the healthy, happy side in me, not the scared and sick side.  It wouldn’t matter to John if I had been told yesterday I wasn’t cured.  He’d still be there, but I was very happy to tell him I didn’t have cancer anymore. 

The two little guys I want to hold, hug, and kiss, will have to wait. They went to their dad’s for a week for Spring Break.  They gave me so much strength-strength I didn’t know I had.  When I was at my lowest and weakest points, unable to even walk up a few stairs at my dad’s house, I’d see them playing outside, and knew I had to make it up the stairs, so I could see them play.  They deserved a mom who could watch them play.  And I would find a way to walk up the stairs- something that had been impossible to do, until I saw them.  

I told my friends other than the boys being born; yesterday was the happiest day of my life.  I was wrong.  When I can hold Ryan and Cole and tell them Mommy’s cancer is gone- that will be the happiest day yet.  I get to see my boys grow up, and I can finally give them that reassurance. 

To all my family, friends, and blog readers, thank you all for being here with me. Thank you for helping me fight and beat cancer.  From the day I was diagnosed with cancer through yesterday the support has been overwhelming.  I feel like you are all a piece of the puzzle and you all fitted in to help me exactly when and how I needed it. 

To all my blog readers who are battling thyroid or any cancer currently, don’t give up.  All the fears, pain, and doubts, you currently have are only temporary.  Draw on whatever gives you strength. It is easy to lose your spirit with cancer. It took mine for a while, but it only wins when you give up.  Some days you have to fight with everything you have and then some.  But at the end, when you beat it, and you hear the words, “It’s gone,” or “It’s in remission,” or the sweetest one of all, “You are cured,” it will all be worth it and then some.  I promise.

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