The day before the first day of school, Ryan’s school had a meet the teacher event. There was also a Boy Scout information booth set up in the hallway.  As we were leaving, Ryan went right to the booth and started looking at all of the pictures.  The leader started talking to us about the various levels, activities, and when it would start.  

Ryan was intrigued and was very interested in becoming a Boy Scout.  I never participated in Girl Scouts, or even knew that much about the program.  Other than seeing the uniforms around, I wasn’t sure exactly what they did or what their purpose was.  The leader told us the first meeting and information session for new scouts would be in a few weeks, and we signed up to attend the meeting.

The past few weeks I’ve asked friends who are involved in Boy Scouts their opinions.  Everything I heard from them was positive.  I asked my friends on my personal Facebook page, what their experiences with Boy Scouts had been, and again, it was all positive.  There were several adult men who commented they had really enjoyed their time in Boy Scouts and it helped them learn a lot of different skills.  One of my friends also commented there really is no other program out there for boys like it. 

Then the comment came- just about the only thing I had remembered hearing about Boy Scouts, and that is their position towards gay people.  I haven’t read the actual policy word for word, but they prohibit any person who is gay from being a leader or participating in the organization. This has been challenged legally, but since they are a private organization, the policy has been upheld. 

One of my friends told me she would have enrolled her son, who is also in first grade, in Boy Scouts if not for this policy.  She was still thinking about it.  My friend Alison, told me she had friends who participated in Boy Scouts and it really depends on the local group.  Another friend of mine from high school, who has been involved in Boys Scouts for years with his two sons, and who is a leader, confirmed the same thing.  He also said in all his years involved, he had never heard one anti-gay comment, and it had never been an issue.

In our own circle of friends and family, there are gay people.  I teach Ryan and Cole to treat everyone with respect and kindness.  Personally, I disagree with the Boy Scout policy, and think they should change it- the sooner the better.  Ignoring that people are gay, and preventing them to participate in an organization is discrimination.  It seems hateful and very mean spirited.  Most of the information I read said the Boy Scout organization does not ask, or divulge into a person’s sexual orientation.  So it seems like the classic case of ”don’t ask, don’t tell.”   

Because I don’t agree with the Boy Scouts national policy on this issue, is that a good reason to keep my six year old from joining the organization?

The biggest question I had was, would telling Ryan he couldn’t join, change anything on a national level?  Sadly, the answer is no.  I feel in this case, the harm would be greater to Ryan- telling him he couldn’t join- than it would be to the Boy Scouts.  After considering what people have said their experiences have been at a local level, it didn’t seem likely that the anti-gay policy would be an issue at this time, in Ryan’s life.  He’s only six, and doesn’t fully grasp all the issues involved in this situation.   

I also think as a parent, the most important thing I can do is let him live life.  The way he wants to, within boundaries of course.  Ryan might not like Boy Scouts after he is in it for a year and will want to quit.  Or he could love it.  But if I never let him try what he wants to do, he will never know.  If he wants to continue in it, there will be a day for this policy conversation with him.  If he feels he doesn’t want to be part of an organization that bans gay people that will be his decision to make, when he is able to do so.  Not mine.  

Last night was the first meeting and Ryan loved it.  His best friend, who is in his class, showed up as well.  They both were so excited.  They watched the older boys with the flags.  They listened to the leaders speak.  They sang a song, and learned more about some of the activities they would be doing.  Ryan is already excited about archery. He wants to go get his uniform.  Cole also whispered to me when he is in first grade, he wants to be a Boy Scout too.   

The core values the Boys Scouts work hard to install, and the sense of accomplishment they help boys to develop in themselves, seems pretty amazing.  I heard boys a few years older than Ryan speak with pride about their activities. They were well spoken, polite, and confident.  It is puzzling that an organization that can cultivate these values with boys, has an anti-anything policy-especially a sexual orientation policy that can’t be chosen.  

As I heard the boys speaking last night, and I watched my own son, excited and eager, my hope for him is to be confident, have a sense of accomplishment, and develop a strong sense of self.  It’s bizarre the Boy Scouts have developed millions and millions of boys every year, with these strong core values, while maintaining their anti-gay policy.       

If Ryan’s generation can recognize discrimination, work to change and correct it, then the Boy Scouts will have had a hand in this, by the values they help develop.  Ending discrimination should start with the Boy Scout organization.  It’s an ironic paradox.

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I have some fun blog posts to write about New York, our vacation to Michigan, school, and some running updates.  But those will have to wait. 

A few days ago, I was looking for a picture on my computer when the computer brought up the series of pictures of the trip I took to Disneyland in February 2009.  It was the trip I took with my mom, my brother, my sister, and sister-in-law, to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday.  The pictures made me incredibly sad- to know now one year after that trip, almost to the day- my mom passed away.

My sister called me yesterday upset.  She had a situation in her classroom that was very difficult.  She mentioned it was particually upsetting since tomorrow (which is today), is the six-month mark of our mom passing away. 

I had a really hard time in May with my mom’s death.  I took some time “off” from everything and it helped.  I still have moments when I am really sad, and I miss her a lot, but it is slowing getting better on a day-to-day basis.  For travel to Michigan, we had layovers both ways in Minneapolis, where my mom lived.  The boys and I had lunch with my mom’s friends, Lisa, Annie, and Michelle, who all loved my mom, and helped our family immensely during all of this.  It was so good to talk to them and see them again.   

Those pictures from the other day must have reminded me on a subconscious level.  And yesterday, hearing the words out-loud from my sister- it made me feel a lot.  I can hardly believe my mom has been gone for six months.  It seems like six years.  I have missed her so much.  I’ve missed filling her in on so many things.  I miss talking to her. I miss her voice.  I miss her quirky little habits that used to annoy me.  I miss her late night calls.  I miss her support and love.  I miss not being able to tell her about Ryan and Cole. 

I have been so busy with so many things- until I stop and just think about her, I don’t think about missing her, don’t feel like I am missing her, and I feel guilty about that.  I feel guilty I drive by the cemetery she is laid to rest in almost every day, and I have only been there three times.  It was her wish to be buried there, but I hate seeing it everyday.  It is a beautiful cemetery for someone else’s mother.  I don’t want to think about my mother being there. 

But I also wanted to go today.  To be there.  To touch the gravestone, and to honor her memory.  The boys wanted to go as well- they said they wanted to talk to Nana.  We brought my mom flowers and pictures of our lives from the last six months- the first six months of events she’s missed.  Pictures of my brother, sisters, our children, our families, and our friends. 

The pictures don’t show the sadness and the sense of loss behind the smiles, the loss that is always there- buried, and ignored.  Because death is part of life. We have to move on with our lives, figuring it out as we go.  Together and separately.  No one processes the death of a parent exactly the same way.   

A woman at the hospice told my brother life without our mom never gets easier- it just gets different.  I know that is true.  With the pictures I brought to my mom’s grave, our lives are different than they were six months ago.  But as I was looking at them, I saw they show the basics in life that will never change, and what my mom would want for all of us.  They are pictures of our lives, and of our children’s-playing, growing, traveling, changing, loving, happiness, living.

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I am back from New York.  Wow!!  I can see why people either love or hate it.  I loved it!  It was such a different experience for me.  I’ve lived near Boulder, CO almost my entire life.  I’ve been to Los Angeles several times, but New York was by far the biggest city I’ve ever been in. 

People were nice and very helpful.  No one was rude or had an attitude.  I felt very safe walking around Times Square at night- there was only about 50,000 other people around, police all around, and almost every shop and restaurant was open.  There was only negative thing happen, and that was on the way to the airport on the way home.  The taxi I took smelled like gasoline, and I was on the verge of getting really sick by the time I got to the airport.  Other than that, everything went great. 

The tour of the New York Hope Lodge was amazing.  I am going to write a more detailed blog post about that, but I was so touched by what they do for cancer patients.  As I listened and saw what they did, I thought back to my own experience with cancer last year and thought it was great there are facilities like this that help the patients with the most need.  Especially in a place like New York, where it is so expensive to stay long-term.  I was impressed to learn there are 40 other Hope Lodges in the United States.  It was clear to see Hope Lodges are a great asset in helping cancer patients and their caregivers fight cancer. 

I hope to write more about New York soon (with pictures!), but I had a long day at work yesterday, and the boys and I are leaving tomorow for our vacation together.  We are going with my dad and step-mom to Lake Superior in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.  My dad has a relative there who lives across the street from the lake.  The boys are beyond excited for a beach/water vacation.  I haven’t been able to go anywhere with them for two years on vacation, so I am looking forward to this time with them. 

As much fun as I had in New York, the boys were never far from my thoughts.  I missed them!  I kept thinking how much they would enjoy the buildings, the firetrucks, the police cars, and all the sights and sounds.  I decided I am going to take them there one day- when they are older- so they can experience New York and all the amazing sights, before they are in their thirties, like me.    I liked the perspective it gave me, and I want my sons to be able to live and experience other places then where we live. 

As I flew back into Denver, I saw the few tall buildings on Denver’s skyline.  They definitely didn’t look like much after staring at New York’s massive and countless skyscrapers for five days.  They looked tiny by comparison.  But there were mountains, and open spaces.  I could see miles in any direction- something you don’t get to do in New York from the ground.  There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and they announced it was 75 degrees.  It was a perfect Colorado day, I was going to see Ryan and Cole, and I knew I was home.

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Summer has been heating up in Colorado, and by the time dinner rolls around, the last thing I feel like doing is making a heavy meal. I usually cook something substantial for the boys, but I’ve been trying to make simple and lighter food for myself. 

Today while I was grocery shopping, I spotted some natural and organic prosciutto.  I immediately thought of one of the tapas I love most from the Mediterranean Restaurant in Boulder.  They wrap prosciutto around cantaloupe, and top it with grated Parmesan cheese.  I thought it would make a perfect light dinner.  Pictures of the final product I made tonight:

As I sat down to eat with the boys, who were eating turkey, noodles, cheese, and melon, they asked me in their most critical voices, “What in the world is that?”  As if I had just picked through the trash can for dinner.  I launched into my explanation about how wonderful prosciutto is. 

I told them it is Italian ham, and asked them if they wanted to try it.  Of course, they refused.  I explained to them the salty flavor of the prosciutto mixes perfectly with the sweet melon, and the cheese gives it just a slight bitter taste.  I told the boys this is one of the best dishes which blends three flavors flawlessly.  I asked them again if they wanted to try it, and they looked at me like I suggested they ride their bikes to the moon.

Cole then said,” Mommy, do you know what I am going to make when I grow up?”  I was excited- I thought I sparked his culinary imagination. 

“What?” I asked him, eagerly.

He smiled at me from ear to ear and then replied,

“SpaghettiO’s.” 

I have never served my children SpaghettiO’s.  Up until tonight, I didn’t think they had ever heard of, seen, or (gulp) tasted SpaghettiO’s.  How could my son compare a perfect real-food dish to SpaghettiO’s? 

I almost cried into my prosciutto wrapped melon.  But it would have made it soggy, and I wasn’t going to have two tragedies in one night at dinner. 

Hopefully one day when we are all eating real Italian food, I can tell them this story and laugh.  I hope for my kids, appreciating real-food is an acquired taste.

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Our summer so far has been very busy.  Compared to last year, though I’m not complaining, but when I envision summer, it seems like life should be moving slower, and it shouldn’t be so rush-rush- every day.

Someone once told me as your kids get older, life gets busier and that seems to be the case.  I’ve been working, juggling daycare, and trying to plan some fun activities for the boys.  I have also had to start looking around for a new place to live once the house we are living in sells.  There has been a re-organization at work, and it just doesn’t seem like there are enough hours in the day to get everything done that I have and want to get accomplished.  It is really overwhelming at times, realizing it is just me now.  I don’t have any safety nets- if I don’t succeed in balancing work, finances, time with the kids- Ryan and Cole will suffer.  The practical, over-planning part of me feels like I should work as many hours as I can, and then some. 

Recently a good friend, who is a single mom of four, told me what she regretted.  She said once she was divorced, she panicked about finances, and she made that her goal. She figured if she was okay financially, she wouldn’t be so stressed and it would mean security for her and her kids.  She says though she really missed a lot of time with her kids, and they all suffered.  She says she will never get that time back with her children, and the financial security came at way too high of a price.  She told me no matter how crazy things seem to get, keep my kids as a priority, and everything else will work out. 

So keeping that advice in mind, I am happy the boys and I have been able to do some fun things so far this summer.  We’ve been swimming a lot with my sister and her daughter- the boys’ cousin.  Last week when I was working and our childcare provider was on vacation, my sister took all the kids to the zoo, and they had a blast.  Yesterday I was able to take the boys to see a local production of The Music Man.  We have a camping trip with my dad, (Papa Dan), planned for July, and some vacation time planned.   

In less than two months, school will start and Ryan will be in school full-time.  Cole will be in preschool, and I will be working more hours.  It is the end of an era for us.  My kids and I will all be starting new chapters in life, and making adjustments.  I am very grateful it seems like it will be good timing for everyone.  

As I think about this last block of time we have- it really is a gift.  I have been so fortunate to be able to share the majority of these early years with my children.  With all the difficulties in the last year and a half, the highlight has been being able to have time with Ryan and Cole. 

There are a million things I should and could be doing this summer.  It is hard for me to not have every detail planned out. This is a very hard “leap of faith” I’m taking, but I believe it is the right step now for the boys and I. 

But for the next two months, I’m not going to worry or stress.  I’m going to get done what I need to, and enjoy the time with my children.  I’m believing as my friend advised, put the kids first, and everything else will fall into place. 

My friend, Steve, has a great blog- Fleur de Life.  He ends every post by tying in what he wrote about as the Fleur de Life-the important things that really matter.  I love the quote below, and to “borrow” from Steve- taking a leap of faith…-it is the Fleur de Life!

  “When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.” –Barbara J. Winter 

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