It doesn’t seem possible that, this day is here already- Ryan’s first day of school.  How did five and a half years pass so quickly? 

Ryan was so excited to start school.  He has been asking everyday when school starts.  The other day he said he wished he could stay home and play with Cole, but he had to go to school.  He said it in such a grown up voice.  Yesterday he was sitting at the kitchen table with his backpack on.  When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was practicing riding the bus to school. 

We went yesterday to meet his teacher, and Ryan got to sit at his desk, and get a feel for the classroom.  He is going to school two and a half days a week, and there are 19 children in his class.  His teacher, Mrs. G., seemed wonderful, and was very organized.  All the children seemed nice, and I am positive Ryan will have a great year.

From the day Ryan was born, I wanted  him to be confident, and happy when new experiences arise.  I was painfully shy as a child, and the first day of school every year filled me with dread and anxiety.  So I am very happy Ryan was so excited and confident to take this next step. 

But as a mother, it is bittersweet.  This is my baby and starting school is a very real reminder that, well- he isn’t a baby anymore, and never will be again.  I knew this day was coming, but yet- it still seemed very far off- other people’s children grow up and go to school.  There is a part of me that wished Ryan (and Cole) could stay little forever- there is nothing in the world like a baby.  If you are a parent, you know what I am describing.

But every milestone your baby reaches, brings them closer to this day- the day they go off to school and start their life more independent from you.  When Ryan was born, a friend gave me a book- mediatations for new mothers.  In those early days, as I sat for hours rocking and nursing him, this passage stuck in my mind- for every milestone Ryan took as a baby, and today:

“Yes, it hurts when buds burst, there is pain when something

grows.”–Karin Boye

I shed tears of joy when Alexander first crawled across the

floor. I clapped and cheered. Moments later, I realized that life

with him would never be the same. His baby days were over, he would

soon be a toddler. Then I cried again as a sense of loss washed

over me.

We provide support and encouragement for our little ones. we

help them learn to crawl, to walk, and to stand. Yet, with every

accomplishment, there is a twinge of sadness. Maybe our children no

longer need us? They do need us, but they must keep growing,

developing, changing.

(From Meditations for New Mothers by Beth Wilson Saavedra)

Ryan waved good-bye to us as he walked into the school- not with me, or his dad, but by himself, following Mrs. G., I silently said good-bye to my baby, and hello to a confident, independent little boy.  This is the way it is supposed to be, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Here are a few pictures from the last five and half years:

 Ryan in Feb. 2004- he was just barely a month old

First day of pre-school- Sept. 2008

Yesterday, at Meet the Teacher

Cole says good-bye to his big brother

First day of kindergarten- Aug. 2009

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As the sun streamed into my room this morning, I couldn’t help but be happy.  A week ago, I said good-bye to my boys expecting to see them in four days.  It turned into a week, because of the radioactive iodine therapy I underwent on Monday for thyroid cancer. 

Initially, I was going to have Cole for the day, and then pick up Ryan later from his grandparent’s house, but as it turned out- I ended up with both boys, and I couldn’t believe how much they had changed in a week!  They both looked older, and I think they both grew at least an inch during the past week.  It was so good to hug and kiss them- this was the longest amount of time I have ever been away from my children.

The day was beautiful, and I took them to the park.  I am so thankful I have energy again, and could actually play with them.  At one point, Cole came up to me, and asked me to hold him.  I picked him up, sat down with him, held him close to me, and kissed the top of his head.  A few moments later, Ryan sat down next to me, and wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me.  I held him too, and the three of us sat there- reconnecting.

I have had an enormous amount of guilt this last week, regarding this summer and the boys.  This is the last summer we had before Ryan starts kindergarten- a rite of passage- and in my mind, the end of an era for us.  The days of Ryan being at home for the majority of the week, are almost done. He is starting his school career.  I had such plans for the boys and I, for this summer- before I fully realized the impact the cancer surgery, recovery, and treatment was going to take. 

I wanted the summer to be special for them- I wanted them to remember swimming, ice cream and watermelon- not that their mommy had cancer.   But when something like cancer happens, it stops all plans- there is nothing you can do, but start taking it one day at a time.  I had to sacrifice this summer so I could have the autumns, winters, springs, and summers in the future with them.  I wanted to tell them I was sorry- sorry that they had deal with something like this at such a young age. 

As we sat there on the bench in the park, and I held them close to me, it reminded me that the only thing the boys really need from me is my love.  I told them how much I loved them, how proud I was of them, and I was finally feeling better.  The boys told me they loved me too, and Ryan said he could tell “by my face” that I was feeling better.  Then they scooted off of me- the moment was over- and ran to the swings.

I felt it in the air this morning, the coolness- the trace of crispness in the air.  The air isn’t quite summer morning air, but is autumn whispering its approaching presence in the background.  Some things in life are constant- children growing, sickness, health, and love.  My boys will remember this was the summer I was sick with cancer, but they will also remember my love for them, and the love from their family and friends.  That is what matters. 

As this summer slips away, much like childhood, a beautiful, golden autumn will emerge finally- one morning at a time.

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Ryan graduated from pre-school today, and it was a big milestone for him.  He has been excited about graduation all week. 

His school had four classes with graduating kids.  This was my first time at a school performance, and it was such a treat.  Each class got to sing a song with props and costumes.  It was like a little comedy show.  One girl was so happy to have spotted her family from the stage, she spent the entire time on the stage with the biggest smile on her face, waving as hard as she could to her family.

During one of the performances, each child in that class, got to go up to the microphone and sing what animal they were dressed as.  They were all so quiet, and would barely whisper into the microphone- but not the boy who was the lion.  He got up to the microphone and roared- not once but a few times.  

After the kids had received their dipolmas (yes, they handed out diplomas to all the kids), two boys were singing a song, “Kindergarten, Here We Come.”  It was supposed to be a duet, but one of the boys must have watched American Idol last night, because it was all about him.  He grabbed the microphone stand in his hand, away from the other boy, and sang as loud as we could, “Kindergarten, here we come,” over and over. He had a great voice too.  Finally, the teacher asked him to let the other boy sing, and he had the saddest look on his face, as he handed the microphone stand back to the other boy.  

The funniest thing that happened, in my opinion, was after the third class walked across the stage, an hour had already passed.  Cole was being so good, but he was getting tired, and he had been promised cake, afterwards.  He heard the teacher say the class had graduated.  Everyone clapped, and the gym grew quiet as we were waiting for the last class.  That moment Cole announced, loudly, “Okay, it’s over.  Where is the cake?”  So many people around us laughed and it was just precious. 

As I watched my little boy, who isn’t so little anymore, sing with his class and walk across the stage for his diploma, my eyes filled with tears.  This isn’t the same little guy I was just holding as a baby is it?  Wasn’t he just learning how to walk, and when did he grow up so fast, to be walking across a big stage all by himself for his diploma he could wave? 

As Ryan’s picture showed up in a slide show, I realized this was my baby, and he always will be my baby.  Ryan doesn’t need me the same way as he did when he was a baby, but he needs me in different ways now.

As they played an incredibly sad country song to go along with the slide show, when he spotted me from the stage, and smiled at me, I knew that even though we have reached this milestone in Ryan’s life, they are endless.  There will also be another milestone to look forward too, and I am so lucky to be able to share these moments with my now kindergartner. 

Congratulations on your first school graduation, Ryan. I am so proud of you, and I love you.  

P.S. I found out the song they played is called Universe from Mark Wills, if you want to listen to a sad country song.    Who doesn’t love that?

Now for the pictures: 

Walking down the aisle to the stage to get his diploma

Checking out the diploma

The Graduate

            The proud Mommy

With the cake-loving little brother, Cole

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Last week, I dropped off Ryan’s kindergarten registration packet at the school he will be attending.  It seemed surreal that in five months, my baby boy will be in kindergarten.  When did he get that big?  Where has the time gone? 

I was talking to one of my friends, Melissa, whose son will also be starting kindergarten in August, and we were discussing how fast the time is going- much more so now, than even when they were babies.  We were kidding that pretty soon our sons will be graduating from high school.  I said then we will be look back and asking, didn’t it just seem like they were starting kindergarten?

Thinking about Ryan growing older, used to make me very sad.  I wanted to keep him little forever.  Sometimes I still do.  There is nothing in the world that compares to cuddling your sweet, innocent, baby, and holding that life in your arms close to you- knowing that your baby is completely, and purely yours.  I had so many moments like that with both Ryan and Cole, that I never wanted to end.  I would still be holding them close to me if I could.  Those baby days seem so long ago, and yet the memories of them are never distant in my mind.  There is a saying regarding children, ‘the days are long, but the years are short,’  which I find very accurate. 

I can’t keep my children babies forever, and they will start kindergarten, middle school, high school, college- and life, despite my wanting to still be sitting with them in a glider, holding them close, and rocking them to sleep.  But as I see the little boy that Ryan has grown into, I can’t help but be happy he isn’t a baby anymore.  Both boys are full of life, laughter, and energy- so much energy.  They are growing into the people they are to become. 

At night, Ryan hugs me goodnight, and doesn’t let go, even when I start to pull away, and  Cole asks me to hold his hand, as he falls asleep.   Despite the oldest boy starting kindergarten in a few short months, my heart fills with so much love for them, and I know that I still have my babies- the only thing that has changed is their size, and that is just as it should be.

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Ryan woke up today with a sore throat.  He said he did not want to go to his concert, but I figured he would change his mind as he got up and moving. 

When we arrived at Grandma’s house, he still was saying he did not want to go the concert; his throat hurt.  Grandma hugged him and told him she knew he would feel better soon.  I love seeing Grandma and Ryan interact.  I know Ryan loves me, but he adores his grandmother.  I had to get going to work, and I figured if anyone could make him feel better, Grandma could. 

Yesterday when I picked Ryan up from school, one of his teachers told me the kids were going to have costumes- I sighed.   Then she said they were going to have penguin costumes (their song was about penguins)- I wailed, “Penguin costumes- how cute.”   But I  did not say what  I was thinking, “I’m not going to be there.”  But the teacher did tell me they usually always record the concerts, and they would burn a DVD for me. 

I had a hard time trying not to think of Ryan all morning, especially when the time of the concert rolled around.  I hoped his throat was feeling better and he was singing his heart out as a little penguin.

When I arrived to pick the boys up after work, Ryan’s grandma told me how cute the concert was. She said the school did a really great job.  She said Ryan was also a snowflake, and at the end of the program they had a slide show with all the kids pictures, and of course there was a picture of Ryan.  I asked Ryan how it went, and the first thing he said to me was,

“You should have been there Mom.”

He didn’t say it sad or mad- just matter-of-fact.  Then he told me he was a penguin and got to stand behind a big curtain, and when they opened the curtain, it was time to sing.  He also said Grandma gave him some hot chocolate before the concert to help his throat.  Then they went out to lunch afterwards.

I am so glad and so fortunate that Ryan has such loving Grandparents that made sure he was able to participate today, even though his parents couldn’t work it out. Cole knows the song Ryan was singing, and he sung it for me when I got home.  I think they all had a nice time.  Grandma even brought me home a program so I can see my little penguin’s name in print-twice.

As we were driving home, Ryan told me again that I should have been there, and they showed his picture up on a big screen after he was done singing.  I told him in my most happy, non-guilty voice, that I was so sorry I missed him today, but when school starts again, we will have the concert on a DVD, and we can watch a movie of him on TV.  He was excited about seeing himself on TV.  He asked if I would be able to see him behind the curtain too. 

I just hope someone actually recorded the concert-that will be one movie I will watch over and over again.

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