Cross posted at API Speaks

Last month I wrote about a sweet moment I had with Cole, when I responded to his cries, and did not allow him to cry it out.  I wish I could say that was our “happily ever after,” regarding sleep with Cole, but it wasn’t.

I suspected a few hours after Cole’s birth that he might be a high needs/fussy baby.  Within a few days, I knew we had our own high needs baby.  One of the characteristics Cole displayed, was I could not put him down, without him instantly starting to cry.  This of course, carried over to sleep time as well.

For the first six or so months of Cole’s life, he literally slept ON me.  I would lie down, and he would instantly fall asleep on me.  Any other method I tried to get him to go to sleep resulted in intense screaming. 

Needless to say, this was exhausting.  I never slept that well with him on me, but at least this allowed me to doze and snooze, and was the better alternative to being up all night with a screaming baby.  As Cole continued to grow, his laying on me was not working anymore.  I knew it was time to come up with a different sleeping arrangement.

Having Cole sleep in the bed with us, didn’t work.  The moment we moved, he woke up and started crying.  We were also getting midnight visits from Ryan too, (who was three at the time), and he would just jump in the bed, half asleep.  Obviously, this wasn’t a safe situation, because Ryan could have jumped on Cole and hurt him.

We finally decided to move Cole’s crib into our room, and place it next to our bed.  At least he could still hear me breathe and would know I was near him, even though he wasn’t sleeping on me.  I figured this was going to take some adjustment, but I was determined out of sheer desperation, to get Cole to sleep in his crib.

The first night, after nursing Cole, I placed him in the crib.  I sat on the edge of my bed, and patted his back, while I softly whispered to him.  He fussed for about a minute, and then went to sleep.  As I tried to leave the room, he would notice that my hand was no longer on his back, and he’d start crying.  As long as I sat on the edge of the bed, haunched over the crib, with my hand on his back, he was fine and would sleep.  Even after an hour, when I thought he had to be asleep, as soon as I took my hand off his back, the screaming started. After a few nights of this, Cole finally got to the point where I could get him to sleep, take my hand off his back, and leave the room. 

The only thing that was predictable with Cole was he was unpredictable.  Some nights he loved the crib and would fall asleep instantly, and other nights sleeping just didn’t happen-for him or for me.  I would not be honest if I didn’t say that some nights I was so incredibly frustrated with Cole.  I could not understand why my baby would not sleep, even though I was doing everything I could think of for him.  

The nights I sat up with him in the living room at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, crying because I was beyond sleep deprived, were countless.  My husband, Joe, helped out a lot too, despite having to be up every morning at 6am, so he could go to work.  I honestly don’t know how he managed to only get a few hours of sleep, and then go for ten plus hours a day at work, with no naps.  At least I was able to take a nap during the day. 

Shortly before Cole turned one, we were having a particularly bad night.  Nothing was working to get Cole to sleep, and he had been crying for hours.  I was so incredibly frustrated, exhausted, and the end of my rope.  I wanted to make Cole stop crying, so I could go to sleep.  That exhausted and drained part of me wondered what would happen if I just gave him a shake to see if he would stop crying.  Instantly, I felt like the worse mother on the earth. 

Thank goodness that was just a fleeing thought that did not manifest itself, but it scared me.  That night I put Cole in his crib, where he was safe, sat on the floor in the room and let him cry.  I think that was the hardest night ever for me a mother, because I was totally out of options and was completely and utterly burned out. 

After 30 minutes, Cole finally fell asleep. It was hard to listen to him cry, but in the state we were in, it was the only thing left to do.  As I sat on the floor in his room, I thought about how close I had been to ‘losing’ it with Cole, and realized he was safe in his crib, and this is what we needed to do to get through the night. 

After that night, it was still hit or miss with getting Cole to sleep, but around 18 months, it was like a switch just went off in him where he finally turned the corner.  Instead of a baby who never slept, and was constantly waking up, he was sleeping, and staying asleep.

Cole just turned two, and his sleep issues are gone. I nurse him for a few minutes before bed, and then place him in the crib, still awake.  He smiles at me, pulls me in for a hug, rolls over and goes to sleep on his own. It is a rare night now if he wakes up, not the rule.  I never thought we would get to this point. 

I thought long and hard about how to write this post, because having your baby cry-it-out, isn’t generally accepted as AP parenting.  However, I wanted to be honest, and relay a true experience.  I have realized for me that it is OK to admit that I am not a perfect mother, nor will I ever be.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t try, but sometimes I fall short of the ideals that I want to raise my children with.  When that happens, I have learned that it serves no useful purpose to beat myself up and tell myself I’m a bad mother. 

Being the parent of a high needs baby, tests you in ways you never dreamed of.  Most of the time you pass the tests successfully.  But, sometimes as any parent-high needs baby or not- can tell you, sometimes you don’t.   Sometimes in the moment you do the best you can, so you can get through the day or the night.  Then all you can do is continue on, learning from the experience. 

If everyone practiced all the AP ideals all the time perfectly, we wouldn’t have much to write or talk about, and be able to offer support to others.  ”Failing” at an AP ideal, doesn’t make us “bad” or non-AP parents-it makes us human parents. 

When we don’t parent quite the way we want to at times, it is disheartening, but it also is a good learning experience, and it helps us grow.  These experiences help us grow into the kind of parents we want to be. 

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I am an official blog contributor, with my first post being posted on Attachment Parenting International’s new blog, API Speaks. 

This new blog’s mission is to “capture the real stories of life as an AP family and to highlight the fact that, despite all the varied family structures, cultures, religions, and dynamics that exist in the world, there is one thing that unites us: Our love and compassion for our children.” (from API Speaks)

I will be a regular contributor with my posts appearing around the seventh of each month- give or take a few days.  The first post that appeared was a post that appeared on my blog, from last March- “Following My Instincts.” 

API Speaks, which was launched last month, is a helpful blog to read, and gain insight into different parents experiences with their children, ranging from birth, to feeding, to sleeping.  Even though every parent has different paths they take with their children in these areas, the common bond is, a respectful and gentle approach.

 It is so hard at times being a parent, and trying to do the best you can for your children.  For me it is like a breath of fresh air to read other parents have similar experiences, trials, and triumphs as I.

I hope you will not only read my posts at API Speaks, but read other experiences and stories posted there.  Check out this new blog- I am sure you will find something that speaks to you as a parent. 

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A few months ago my good friend, Amy (from Crunchy Domestic Goddess), informed me that Attachment Parenting International (API) was in the process of re-designing its website. 

Amy is also photographer, and asked me for permission to submit some maternity photos she took of our family when I was pregnant with Cole for API to consider using for their new website.  Of course I told her yes, not really expecting any of them to be used.

Tonight Amy informed me that API’s new website is finished, and our family is on the homepage!  I was pleasantly surprised when I went to the site and saw not one, but two photos from our session on the homepage, and a banner link.

Obviously I am very happy and surprised that our photos were chosen, but I am very proud that the images captured by Amy for our family will be used for Attachment Parenting International to help promote parenting practices that create strong, healthy emotional bonds between children and their parents.

Attachment Parenting is a philosophy based in the practice of nurturing parenting methods that create strong emotional bonds, also known as secure attachment, between the infant and parent(s). This style of parenting encourages responsiveness to the infant or child’s emotional needs, and develops trust that their emotional needs will be met. As a result, this strong attachment helps the child develop secure, empathic, peaceful, and enduring relationships.

API is a non-profit organization, and I volunteer as the treasurer for my local group.  API now has several exciting changes they would like to announce, including:

• A newly redesigned web site and new logo at Attachment Parenting.org;
• Attachment parenting worldwide support forums;
• Parent Education Program - a comprehensive series of classes for every stage and age of child development from infancy through adulthood;
• A new book based on API’s Eight Principles of Attachment Parenting by API co-founders Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson which is expected to be available this summer;
• A series of podcasts, webinars, chats, and forums with API Advisory Board members and other supporters of AP. Future events are scheduled with Dr. Bob Sears, Dr. James McKenna, and Kathleen Kendall Tacket. Check out the events page for more information.

These are just a few of many exciting things going on at API. I hope you’ll stop by and check it out for yourself.

The pictures of our family are the first two pictures in the block of three, from left to right, and the first banner link on the right side bar which says, “API News.” 

**Edited on April 3rd- After I wrote this post, API changed the pictures on the website and used a different photo in the second spot.**

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This is just a quick update to say I am still alive!  :-)  We had a fun weekend with my father-in-law’s 80th birthday party.  I hope to have some pictures soon. 

It has been terribly hot and humid here, so I haven’t felt like doing too much of anything, but I have a lot of bookkeeping I am trying to finish for my client this week, and I have to squeeze in quarter end books for the local chapter of my Attachment Parenting  group, where I volunteer as its treasurer. 

If you haven’t already checked out their big on-line auction, you still have time.  It ends this Wednesday at 7 PM EASTERN TIME, and there are a lot of great items- from baby carriers to cloth diapers, to T-shirts for mom and baby, to week-end get-aways, available.  There are many items that are still below retail value, so take a look, bid on something for yourself, or for your children, and know you will be helping a great cause at the same time!

So, until I finish my work, I probably won’t be blogging much.  Thanks for checking in.  Hope you can stay cool if you are having hot summer heat!

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I belong to a local Attachment Parenting group, which operates under the national organization, Attachment Parenting International, or API for short. 

API is trying to raise funds so they can accomplish three goals, which are: (1) Fund API’s General Operation Budget, (2) Complete Website Renovation, and (3) Develop the ”Eight  Principals of AP” Parent Education Curriculum.

One of the ways they are trying to raise funds is by an online auction, which started on June 29th, and will end on July 21st.

I donated three items from my on-line shop, Little Pumpkin Sweet Pea Designs: a baby onesie, a toddler T-shirt, and a woman’s T-shirt. 

I am very proud that one of my friend’s creations from her shop, Attached At The Hip, a breastfeeding advocacy T-shirt, is the current item in the auction with the highest bid!You can also donate ANY item or product you have, by clicking here, and then scrolling down the page, to the DONATE icon. 

If you have an item from your business, or just want to donate some household items for API, it doesn’t have to be an “AP” item.  When you donate, you can add a link to your website or business, which has the potential to be seen by 4,500 AP supporters.  That number will grow, as the supporters will forward the auction link to their friends, and family.

Even if you don’t have anything to donate, check out the auction, and check back often- there are some great items already listed, like a Moby Wrap Sling, Blue Man concert tickets, Bravado Nursing Bras, and The No Cry Solution parenting books by Elizabeth Pantley, just to name a few!

Attachment Parenting promotes “Peaceful Parenting for a Peaceful World,” and assists parents in building secure attachments with their children. It is a great parenting resource so if you can, please help them out. 

Thanks! 

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Last night I had Cole down sleeping, and was trying to read Ryan a story to put him in bed (Joe wasn’t home), and sure enough, Cole started crying.  I was hoping it would only last for a minute or so, and he would go back to sleep, but he started getting more and more upset. After a few minutes, it was obvious, he was now fully awake, and despite having an upset three-year-old, who was NOT happy his story was being interrupted, I had to leave Ryan to go attend to Cole.

It has been a week since I have started nursing Cole to sleep, and then putting him in his crib, next to our bed and it is working a lot better than having him sleep in the bed, but he still wakes up a lot.  So he was in his crib, and after my eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room, what I saw, just about broke my heart. 

For my kids, I don’t believe in “crying-it-out.”  I firmly believe that when a baby is crying he needs something.  He may be scared, and just need the reassurance that his mama is still in the vicinity of the house.  I certainly don’t think a couple of minutes when  I can’t get to Cole is making him cry-it-out.  I am talking about leaving him while he is crying in a crib, obviously distressed for a long-period of time.  Also, I just don’t have the stomach for it.  For me, there is nothing worse than hearing your baby scream and cry for you, while they are in a dark room- alone. 

Plus there has been some research from Harvard and Yale, that have shown “when babies who are routinely separated from parents in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone and  lower growth hormone levels.  These imbalances inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth, and depress the immune system.” 

This subject was also brought up on a recent Dr. Phil episode that featured three of the Dr. Sears’s. 
Dr. Bob Sears said this about crying-it-out on the show:  

“When a baby screams for 10, 20 minutes, or a half-hour night after night, what actually happens to the baby’s brain?” asks Dr. Bob Sears. ”The blood pressure goes up. The pressure gets so high, new blood with oxygen can’t flow into the brain. So the brain can be deprived of oxygen, you guys. And that’s not all. It gets worse. The brain can be flooded with stress hormones, and we know that stress hormones can damage sensitive developing nerve tissue. So, night after night, weeks and weeks of crying can actually harm a baby’s brain. That’s why we encourage you both to respond to your maternal intuition.  Robert, develop your fatherly intuition, so you can both really thrive as a family. Respond to your baby. “

So back to Cole- in the few minutes before I could get to him, he had stood up in the crib, put his hands through the slots, and was feeling / squeezing my mattress.  I knew he was trying to find me.  Even though he is in his crib now, he knows where I sleep, and he was looking for me- he needed me.   

I picked him up, and instantly the crying stopped.  I sat down with him on the bed, and even though his eyes were closed, he started cooing.  I nursed him for a few minutes to calm him down.  Then the most amazing thing happened.  His eyes were still closed, and he took his hand and started tracing and feeling my face, the way a blind person would.  It was like he was trying to memorize my face by feel. 

I am in awe on the way babies brains work, and I think there is so much we still don’t know about this.  As he was feeling my face, I got a tear in my eye, and I felt so grateful that I have been able to follow my instincts on what feels right. 

I couldn’t help but think, as my sweet baby was stroking my face, if I had gone against my instincts and had allowed him to cry-it-out,  yes, he may have curled up and gone to sleep, after it was clear to him, his mama wasn’t going to come to him, but the way it was going, he would have just become more and more upset anyway.  He would have been very distressed, and he was looking for me!  Two, I would have completely missed this tender moment with him, that I will never forget. 

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I saw this article in our local paper today, from the Washington Post, by Shankar Vedantam.  As a firm believer in Attachment Parenting (AP), it was neat to see a study that confirms the philosophies behind AP. 

While, I don’t really believe in “blaming” your parents (as the title of the article suggests), I believe that it is important for parents to be responsive to their babies, as much as possible.  I think most people do the best they can, but as numerous studies and research are starting to show, babies need to have a secure bond with their parents, and AP provides some suggestions on how to do this.  For me, AP is just kind of following my instincts anyway- baby is crying- pick up baby and hold him until he is happy- things like that. 

I really liked the following paragraph from the article, which says,

“Contrary to the popular American myth that people left to fend for themselves become strong and independent, the psychological research seems to show exactly the opposite is true: It is the people who are confident enough to reach out to others for help — and to whom help is given — who become truly capable of independence.”

I strongly feel that the experiences that babies and children have early on shapes them later in life.  The time I have with my children is so short in the grand scheme of things, I want to parent them so they grow up to feel good about themselves, be independent, have self respect, self esteem, and be able to pass that down to their children as well. 

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Cole was born at the end of May, 2006.  From almost the start of my pregnancy with him, I thought he was a girl, mainly because I felt the opposite with him than when I was pregnant with Ryan.  We didn’t find out ahead of time, so I was really surprised when he was born and the nurses told me he was a boy.  Joe had thought he was a boy, so he wasn’t as surprised.

We had only decided on a boy’s name on the drive to the hospital- we had a few names we had been floating around, but decided on Cole, if we happened to have a boy.

I was absolutely in love the second I laid eyes on my sweet Cole.  I was so very happy that I was able to have a vaginal birth with him, because I had a c-section with Ryan (he was breech and never turned.) The c-section was the worse experience of my life, but I’ll save that for another post.  I felt so powerful and alive after Cole was born, even though it was the hardest thing I had ever done.  I was in labor for 40+ hours with him, and slept about an hour total, so I was completely exhausted, but the thought of having to have another c-section, if I didn’t keep working, kept me going.  I’ll post Cole’s birth story here at another time too.

Almost immediately, I knew Cole was very different than Ryan.  For one thing, he didn’t want to be put down, and wanted to nurse non-stop.  After not sleeping for 46 hours, by the time he had been born, I knew I needed some rest that first night, so after nursing him to sleep, we asked the nurses to take him for a while, so Joe and I could sleep.  The hospital we had Cole at, is very baby friendly and the nurses actually hold the baby- they don’t put them in a nursery- in fact they don’t even have a nursery there, and they only keep the baby until they start showing signs that they need to nurse, so I felt confident in letting the nurses hold him until he wanted to nurse again.

Two hours later, they brought Cole back to me (it was around midnight), and those two hours of sleep seemed like heaven.  Cole started to nurse, and he nursed, and nursed, and nursed, and nursed.  By 4 pm that afternoon, he was still nursing and he would scream if I set him down, even to change his diaper, or even if he was asleep; he would wake up immediately as soon as he was out of my arms. I didn’t think too much of it at the time.

A week later, he still screamed every time I put him down and I was beginning to realize that I had a “high needs” baby on my hands.  I really dislike that term, so I decided to call him my “cuddle-bug”, and “extra attention” baby.  After reading about these types of babies on the Dr. Sears website, I decided I needed to tune into what Cole was trying to tell me, and go with it. 

It has been hard at times, but he has rewarded us so many times over.  He has the best personality, and his smile can just melt my heart in a moment.  He can be completely upset, crying, and mad, one second, and as soon as you pick him up, he is all smiles.  I also get rewarded with that giant toothy, gummy smile every morning when he wakes up.  He actually doesn’t cry when he wakes up; he just looks around and when he sees me, he just breaks out his smile.  He has challenged me in ways I never thought I could take, and some days I didn’t think I was going to make it, but it also seems like the love I get back from him is double what the challenges are.

He seems to be a mama’s boy 100% right now, in that he is just now letting Joe hold him and cuddle him more.  He really didn’t allow Joe to cuddle with him very much- he definitely preferred me.  My mom, (Nana), and Joe’s mom, were life-savers for me those first few weeks, in helping me with Cole and Ryan.  My mom came out for a short visit and got Cole to take a pacifier which was a much needed break for me, being the human pacifier to him, and he would allow her to hold him, so I would be able to have a few moments with Ryan, or grab a shower.  Joe’s mom and dad were great in taking care of Ryan for me and giving him extra love and attention when I couldn’t.

So now as Cole is approaching his ninth month, he is still very specific on what he needs and wants, but he’s “chilling” out a bit too.  As he is eating more solids, he doesn’t need to nurse as much for food as well as comfort, but he will still track me down, crawling with tears running down his face, if he has decided he needs to be nursed that second.

Sleep is still a challenge for us because he wants to be nursed all night, even though he isn’t hungry- he just craves that human contact. Still, when I think about how fast this time goes, I know it won’t be very long before I am wondering where his baby days went, and be wishing he still wanted me to hold him all night. 

I am so glad he is who he is, and I would not trade him for a second.  He is the sweetest, and most lovable baby, I could ever dream of having.  I love him so much, it makes me get tears in my eyes thinking about him.  I hope in the future, he will not lose the intensity that he has, because that is what makes him my Cole.

(The picture at the top was Cole at 6 months, and the picture below, I took today.)

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